What is it like to be ENFP

They call me the "campaigner"Why?
I overthink every single thing
 I would be laying in bed
Play out scenarios
on worst outcomes and settings.
I spend most of times thinking
creating conversations
deeply  that wont even happen
and explode with emotions
Like they are real!

I desire my quality time 
my "me" era
Yes, I love deep communication
but I love to spare 
Some nights for myself
to recharge my physically
and mentally self slowly
and of course
I am always doubting 
My mind is always racing 
swinging and shaking
I could never make up my mind
leading me to become 
Impulsive 
I am a package with regrets
and sins only
I like to think that I am not, 
But this is me
Yeah, I also talk to much
with my keyboards 
typing letters to create 
a sad piece for people to feel 
things, to make them ache 
in place they never felt before, 
Therefore I am a Spaz
I find excitement in the little things
I get super energetic out of the sudden
my friend would always ask me 
" Chill Sally, relax"
But relaxing is not even my thing
I stress, too much
My body explodes from time to time
I wouldn't even want to hang out
with my friends no more

I struggle, I can not be myself around thee
Therefor I allow myself 
To dress nicely, with no occasion happening
To sip a coffee, by myself 
I enjoy it more than listening 
to friends asking me 
why am I too hyper or
too many sad things.
I am fur ball who is intense 
I am intensely emotional and sensitive

I could listen to a song or watch a movie

and God they would effect me in the heart
I feel things deeply,
People dont understand me, especially
the fact when Simba father died
In lion king, I cried myself to sleep that day
or watching the last episode of Friends
made me so weak, and afraid to make any
This is me
This is my self



 
 

A love story

I remember meeting my love one
few years before 12
I was young
We grew a part
and met when I was 16
I knew then, faith must brought us
" It a sign" I yelled

First time we met, 
Everything was shining like a per of sunglasses
We were unstoppable
The kind of love, 
that melt
beautifully, 
effectively 

and smoothly.
I was young, 
When we first met, 
I had no control
but to fall in 
It was easy 
like fire turning into ice
No distant 
but close.
we were in love
I gave love my fully time
I refused to get out of bed
for days, I was busy
I was in love!
Days would pass and I 
would not even notice
it was a routin
but a lovely one
It was the kind of love
that made me get away 
from my friends, and family
It was the kind 
that made me go wild and crazy
it was just everything
I was in love!
my love life lived in my walls
inside my skull, heart and brain
It hurt me in places that I didn't even know 
they existed 
It lived in places, memories
and late nights 
Years later, 
I couldn't even stop, 
I was in love
our relationship was not bad
I used to fix it with a good cry 
and a book
I remember allowing myself
to increase the nightmares
whenever my love partner
would give up on me
years later, I discover
that my life for thee
Was useless
I was the giving more type
But I grew bitter not better
I forced the noises in my head
to pick a keywords
that made my heart bend
I convinced myself
that all of those heartache
was from myself
only
That all of those times
that we fought, and broke a part
Was nothing
but a creation of a story
that I did
I demanded myself
to wake up
pretend like I was asleep
and wake up
with no anxiety
insomnia
or everything
I would rush my body
so fast, so I dont faint
from the pain that lived in my heart
the dull that kept me wondering
" what did I do wrong"

I was in love,
I had it all,
the time, texts, late night coffee
missing it
I had it all,
So, why would I give up
Instead, I swallowed it
like it a part of me
and I loved it
my love story
is like no other
young love
To be able
to love
depression
To be able to
be loved back
from it
is magical
Depression
took my flaws
Ate them
and continued
Depression
Took my hands
on late night talks
and command them to dance
Depression
is that good talk
is love
is no sad
is a heart
Depression is
love
Depression is
love

This is where we shall love

This is where we love,
When our hands are closed tightly
While we cross boards
When the sun kisses the sky
good night
When your skin feels
the touch
When you scream out loud
for having a wonderful day
This is where we love,
When its the last second on the phone
before we hung up
When its the last piece of cake
On the rocks
Where our souls will dance wild and wired
and free
This is where we love
When our heart chooses
to write goodbye letters and notes
When its the last tissue on the box
When our heart decided
its time to love
This is where we love,
When we touch
our souls in the middle

Palestine

ولا القدس. مدينة القدس من برودة البشر عم تندفن
ونحن صامدون. واقفين خلف شاشات
بنغرد بصوت ضغيف على امل من نوع خفيف
كل افعالنا هي كتابات الكتروانية فقط
احكولي واين الكرامة؟ واين الشجاعة؟
الشجاعة الوحيدة الموجودة هي للحجر
صوت الحجر الوحيد الي قام يحمي الانتفاضة
يا ترى كيف وجهنا قدام ربنا؟
و الأمانة امانة عروبتنا
نحن فقط تتحرك عيوننا بالبكاء
تغمرنا رعشة الحزن لبضعة ايام و نصمت
فنحن ليس إلا جبناء العالم نحن لا شياء
نكرة على وطن يُغتصب يومياً
على أقرن أعيوننا. نحن لا شياء
سوى أدمغة مدمرة. نحن لا شياء
أين أصلاحنا؟ في الربيع العربي
الذي يكاد أن ينسى أين الضمير العربي
أين هو ؟
فأن فلسطين
لا تحتاج دموعا من خلف شاشة التلفاز
لا تريد قشعريرة على أجسم الانسان
ففلسطين كبريائها تهزم عدونا كل يوم من دون شفقة
من خلف شاشة الاكتروانية
و نحن صامدون الى متى؟
الى متى
#فلسطين_اول_واخر_حب

I am not for everyone

I am not for everyone
I have episodes within me
That people wont be able to handle
I have thunderstorms
I turn down tables
I am a piece of art
the last sentence in a book
that breaks your heart
I am not for everyone
I have a kind of love
that will ooze you from the veins to mars
Till you are shocked up
with weirdness
I am not for everyone
but to anyone who is in pain
who aches for the sake of attention
like a surrender
I am not for everyone
I am a verse of poetry
the fire and ice
the freckles,
No, I am not for everyone
I have screams that shall bound
rooftops causing an earth quick
I own sun that does not bright
For that, I curl up
I am not for everyone,
I am a piece of dim poetry
endless love,
the untold story
the misery
I am not for everyone

I miss the feeling

I miss the feeling when the light
come across the trees and my body
and leaves.

I miss the feeling of someone's skin
on mine, the tenders
the happy end.

I miss the feeling whenever I decided
to share the power inside of me
to the world. The tickles

I miss the feeling of peacefulness
right before bed time.

I miss the feeling whenever I assume that
I know what are people thinking off,
when in fact I dont.

I miss the feeling when rain drops
dances on my stomach
reaching it to ache
so beautifully and slowly

I miss the feeling when he says
" I love you" without meaning it

I miss the feeling of happiness right after
I eat a bar of chocolate.

I miss the feeling of a feeling itself.

I miss the feeling of me being a home
but not a home itself

I miss the feeling of just igniting with the world
I miss the feeling of spaces between 
raindrops
 

I dont think about you, that often ( a piece full of lies)

Honestly, it doesn't matter
Its been already years since you have passed away
Especially the fact that people who are in my life have never met you
I dont think about you not all the time
I dont believe either that things would be different if you were here,
I dont believe that we could have ended getting married or naming
our kids Adam and Lilly the way we planned 
Or the fact that we both became doctors.
I dont think about you, or embrace if you were still alive, 
Instead, I like to push maybe burn all the good memories
So, I wont have to rewind them, and just let it go.
No, I dont use your phone number as my password 
or call maybe text or email you. 
I dont even remember your email address, naruoto123@hotmail.com
I cant even imagine if you were alive what would happen,
Are we still together or will I introduce you to my new love life
Would you share on how we met, or some of our insane memories 
It would be too awkward, no
I dont log in to MSN anymore,
I am trying to prevent having your name as a contact
Or listen to Ashlee sim-son songs and wonder what happened
No, I dont pass by the places we used to love, 
Or order the same exact milk shakes we adored
Especially on occasions related to love or even on your birthday
I dont remember you, you dont pop up,
You are not alive, I dont think of you in my prayers
or even after playing SIMS, or rolling with my skates
I dont think of you that much or at all,
Even after you passed and I have pushed people away,
I am already cold and pale, terrified
I dont care about you as much as you used to, 
I dont treasure you, not possible, no way!
Or miss you so much, my chest would ache
You are gone, away
Your existence is faded, you are not here
The smile of your stare brown eyes, is gone
I dont feel you, you are not watching closely over me,
You are gone, away
I dont like you, I love you like falling in love like I never stopped loving you part
I miss you like crazy, like someone missing someone 24/7 times
Like I still write letters, and poems about you
How can I even forget you? I cant, I dont want to
so, honestly
You matter the most, more than myself or anyone else
You are my first and only love,
you are the classic fairytale
the only end.
I still pray for you in my prayers,
Because no matter what happens
I still look up for you,
I still hope to get a reply on my emails from you
I still hope you would turn green on MSN
I still hope I might see you in the other 39 people
who looks exactly like you,
In order to make me alive
Honestly,
I died in the moment I got the news
I died in the moment your phone is disconnected
I died in the moment you are not home
I died in the moment I lost you.

Bullying ( Back in High School)

First punch,
I swallowed it,
Second slap,
I ate that, 
Pointing at my face,
I never saw it,
Mouth spit,
Back stabbing, 
You see how I look,
Believe me,
I look like a freak,
At least, 
That’s what they said,
I couldn’t do anything,
But believed,
Back in high school,
They used to get me,
All the time,
Words, actions,
Pointing, 
Rumors, 
It burned me, 
Like a fire, 
Burning my skin,
Back in high school,
I was their puppet,
Just like anxiety,
did,
They waited for me,
Around the corner,
With their gossip
that 
Felt like a razor,
Cutting me instead,
Ugly, fat, stupid
And a mess,
Thanks to them,
I lost myself,
With rejections, 
And their judgmental,
They, 
They,
Have won my weakness,
That led me, to hell
I have become nothing,
Thanks to them,
I grew up being worthless, 
Not enough,
Attacking my own breathe,
Sometimes, 
Cutting my own wrists, 
I kept on wishing,
If I told someone,
But I knew they would 
Pick on me, 
Even more, 
So I kept those times,
Where I felt like giving up
To my writings,
And now, 
Those writings, 
Are coming to an end,
Waiting for me to speak,
At least help,
But how can I talk,
See, 
Freak alien, 
Is my middle name,
So, I kept telling myself 
To shout the hell up,
Its better, 
To feel that way,
Than speak up,
Its not like my teachers
Would have stand up,
Or my parents would,
So I let those bruises, 
Kept me safe for a while,
Maybe I would forget,
Back stabbing,
Mouth spit,
Pointing at myself 
I never saw it,
Second Slap, 
I ate t,
First Punch 
I swallowed it 

Its 2:00 Am

Its two Am and this is how I feel,
Dizzy, after getting wasted
Trying to forget every promise you made,
Chocked up, from your words, 
Lies and beliefs
Addicted, to the drug you gave me,
To love you with every piece of I
Without noticing.

Its three AM and this is how I feel,
Ashamed, that I have loved you,
But you stopped loving me,
Ashamed, that I didn't realize it
Much sooner than ever,
Ashamed, that I gave you a chance,
Without asking my soul to,

Its three Am and this is how I feel,
Tired, from crying out
Until my nose closes and I cant breath no more..
Tired, from dialing your number,
and quickly hanging up the line,
Tired, from checking our pictures,
On the camera roll,

Its three and half Am and this is how I feel,
Ache, from my chest of my heart,
Since we broke up on my birthday,
Ache, because you shouted at my face,
So loudly that I began to eat myself up.

Its four Am and this is how I feel,
Bitter not better, for having too much of tequila 
Trying to get over you, 
Bitter, from tasting your lips on mine
Bitter, because I am wasted 
Alone in the balcony

Its Five am and this is how I feel,
Not good, but I will move my body,
Wash up my pale face,
Getting ready for work, 
Like nothing happened, 

Not good, But I will push anxiety away
Wear a smiling mask,
My high heels and make up on
and move on,

Its Six AM and this how I feel,
Wasted as ****, not good enough
Strong, powerful and super
Pale, beautiful, confident and nervous
I feel like a human, who feels too much
But strong enough, 

Its seven Am and this is how I feel,
POWERFUL!

This is Me,

This is me accepting the fact that you are leaving
With no kind of arguments or negotiations
Without tears or noises nor letters
Just like a resignation note to our relationship
This is me cracking slowly with what left of  me,
 No turn or do over, or one last night
This is me telling you " I love you"
and leaving quicker than turning on a light button
Its the last episode of " The bold" or " friend"
The heartache, the pain inside the chest
the inner lost, the last end
I must confess I wont lie and not wish to rewind things over
maybe change few actions or sayings
there will always be a part of me that wished if things werent like this
but this is me letting you go, hardly, slowly sadly
this is me missing you, when you are calling and I dont answer
where I would curl up in bed with a draft of my own writings
and enhance a razor into my skin to become a sculpture full of rainbows
and stories that will pour my heart out.
Its when I would look in the room we used to read books to each other
and not find you sitting there staring at the color of my eyes
This is me approving the fact
on erasing every single memory that ever happened
from the day I was born till the day I push you
This is me saying yes and cheers to a new change
This is me waving goodbye and letting you go
This is me grabbing my hand with its bruised veins
slowly demanding you to go, this is me lying to you
This is me lying with the feelings that I wont miss you
But, how can someone not miss themselves?
This is me letting myself go,
give up
this is me giving up
and feeling relief
this is me lying
this is me letting me go

   

Who am I

Didn't love myself enough,
To let you fall in, 
Am I a sinner?
Differently not a saint, 
Both cases, who am I?
To pretend, its okay.
Angels are from dust, 
Humans are crushed, 
In the other stories, 
I might be a hero,
But thought 
I feel like a zero
Who am I to pretend?
In the eyes of thee, 
I could be heaven, 
Perfection of  the infection, 
And in my inner skin, 
Maps to many hold sins, 
Who am I?
A name on a card
Maybe in myths perhaps,
And when I look
Deeply in the mirror
Who am I? I asked
Maybe nothing. 
Or might be everything
Wish upon a cry
Tears are diamond
But full of emotions
Didn't love myself enough
To let you fall in,
How can I blame you?
When I didn't love myself
Enough to let you in

not anymore

Dont question
the meaning of you
our friendship
We have been through so much
its impossible for me, to forget you
We were a burning throat
A kiss on the lips
Yet a fire that needed to be frozen
We were extraordinary
You will be the first person I would call
in an event of death or breakdown
You didnt break my heart
or made my life any miserable than before
It was like we never matched
on sunset blueberries

Our bodies didnt click like
kisses on vanilla's mood
We were never one
we were two instead
Two different personalities in one person
which made memories get lost
in hell,

I must admit,
I dont regret, the first time
I saw you, i thought my heart gave up
the beating was so fast
I stopped feeling it,
or the first time
you asked me to dance
on the moonlight of our sense
you made my pain go away

like magic, which i dont believe in
not anymore
or maybe the time
where you expressed too many emotions
that i thought i was talking to myself
I remember, your caring face
the way you touched me, with embrace
You didnt break my heart
How could you? When we were never a thing
We were an experience after fireballs shots
Wild and free, hopeless dances
We were colours that was made
not to last
A fact, I wont miss you
nor dial your phone number
but I will pray
for your pure soul heart
You made me weird
wired, loving human being
You made me,
something worth living
so, I wont miss you
we were never something,
so, when I pass on life
you would come
throw the flowers that i liked
the once you brought with the excuse
"they were on sale"
for me, because i like them
you didnt break my heart
It was already breaking
you were the last piece
and I loved it

I still do,
We never fallen in love with each other
but we were one skin
that look, that smile, that kiss,
that solo dance
We were never together,
so you never broke me
I was never fixed

I was wired
I was
In love
with the idea
of hurting
the suffering
the losing
the you
I was only
in love

My Long Gone Friend

For the past eleven years, Woman International day has been something frightful to me,
Its hopeless to avoid, I see it in the news, on the commercials,
and whenever I receive greeting cards
People embrace it on social media on #WID but whenever its March 8th
I let my fears eat me alive, remembering that one person who used to rock my world, is gone
I grew bitter, not better especially watching my friends
Share their love to that special person, and I could not
Instead, i grew hate inside my spines reaching down my throat
I grew pressure that made my stuttering go into raping mood
The first two many years following that someone death,
I remember going on denial, deaf losing sight mood
I just needed space and clarity
I made ache my best friend, no romance to swallow
a deep grief, i drowned myself in time with memories
just to keep my mind occupied
I lie whenever someone asks how it happnened
It was blurry just like my soul, there were pieces everywhere
poetry painted on the walls, glasses that remained in the corners
Just so I remember, just so I wont forget you
Call me selfish, I dont mind
I allow myself to write letters to you and mail them
Knowing you wont ever receive them,
but I let my emotions out on the keyboard
Even though my feelings would explode with tears 
But its the only way, I can still sense you somehow
especially, if I meet a stranger on the street
and share about my favorite memory
I feel like i am inviting you back to my life for a second
Call me crazy, but I feel you sometimes
like a strong stroke that i am okay with
So, when March 8th starts
I look for the places that we used to go,
Perhaps I would, see you
Hold that thought, call me crazy
Woman international day
kicks me in the stomach each and every time
especially seeing you among them
without me, without myself
and I am happy, I am surely happy
You get to impact on others
I get to watch over you from above
You get to visit me with flowers,
I get to listen to you share our memories
that I sometimes like to forget
so, Woman international day,
Is something I look up for and I dont
Because I get to see you,
But then you cant even feel my existence
cause I am dead and you are not.

The first time I tasted love, 2006

Back in the days, where technology didnt embrace out 
We first met, rolling down the street 
with our speedy rolling skates, I remember 11th 2003
It was a warm night, you and I decided to talk
our eyes exploded with sparkles, we blew each other minds 
Like fireworks on ice, like cold that turn into melting hands,
I remember running to you, whenever I felt loved,
We were something else, other calls it love
but we called it the one,
Back in the days, where holding hands was making love
We didnt own cellphones like lovers these days,
But we had usernames on MSN
I was flowercandy, you were naruto123
If we werent on slides, we would be chatting
and when you stop answering, i would nudge you,
Back in the days, where falling in love means eternity
You and I were immortal, we thought of growing old
Tell our kids on how we met, show them what love is,
I remember when you said "I love you" 24th 2006
Back then, it was the first time I tasted love,
Ever since, you gave me too much,
made my heart stop,
Back in the days, where hugging each other means love
We gave up everything, we risks our soul out
just to see each other, for few minutes
We embraces it, like its our only strength,
I lied, when you asked me if I loved you back,
I never stopped,
But I was moving away, we would be a part
I would break your heart, I dont want that,
So, I said I needed time and left,
Back in the days, we stopped talking
I tasted hurt 21 June 2007
Then our heart exploded, we were thunderstorms
faith brought up together like before,
our love grew, you named us " a long relationship"
That was fine, at least for a while
We were on our senior year in high school,
but we still managed to find time to talk,
by warm poems, and the chat on the MSN,
we thank M.SN that kept our love alive, at least for a while,
Back in the day 18th Sep 2009
I had a heartache, I remember my body going on shivering mood
I couldn't stop crying, I almost gave up,
I almost lost hope, the voices, the life, everything went into dust
I remember, everything about that call,
Another voice on the other side, the voice is far, my head is spining
I didnt even get to the part, but I tasted death 18th Sep 2009
My throat was on fire, I was ready to give up,
Something strong hit my body, like a bullet
into my chest, that gave me burns reaching
down my spin, giving my pressure at the back on my neck
I lost my one and only, myself, my own self
Back in 18th Sep 2009 I tasted lost 
The conversation on the phone went like this
" God gave him something else to do"
" God gave him a new mission"
" He will look up at you"
I remember my body getting into unknown mode
but I said this " Who are you talking about"
the other voice was " M.Z"
The first time I tasted love was 24th April 2006
it was only then.

God rest your soul in peace <3

Shattering

People around me, dont understand
How it is exhausting to always pretend
That I dont care how my soul is heartless,
or worse, feel bad for me
I am not that open person,
I dont express my emotions to the world
Instead I internal breakdown
like an emotional bomb into devastated poems
and thats alright for me,
I break into small pieces, I shattered down the isle
Whenever I listen to a heartwarming songs
I might share too much, for the sake of attention
thats how I usually roll, just to fit in as "normal"
and whenever I put myself in a weird situation
I call out on the colorful dots (floaters)
To empower my mentally and physically pain
in order to explode in dimensions as you read
Hold that thought! You may call me crazy
I have been called worse,
People around me, dont understand me,
I am anxious just by existing,
I get over dramatic over sad ending movies
Like part of me would die, after crying too much
crying too much of tequila, yes non sense
But its all I have, my colorful dots, and cheers to that
I like them, they complete my lost voices
they sit between the edges of breaking down,
Where I lose control, especially when I am sober
No one understands me,
Even my body would shake shiver down my spine
and I would never know
the bruises that lived more than I remember
would shatter themselves to open and speak
but I would not notice, I do
But its how I roll,
Everyone understands me,
they would pick up signs to show me
my true self, but I would never digest the facts
Instead I would open my skull wide
and breathe everything that I own
to suffocate and shatter,
Its what I do the best
I shatter, and I love that about me,





 

Dear Best friend

Dear best friend,
You my darling deserve the world, yet I dont know why you dont see that, like I do
But I want you to know, that I also find myself doing that without knowing
You taught me what friendship is like, and for my entire childhood, I wouldn't have survived any without you by my side, you are a true inspiration.
I bet all of your adult friends and co works adore you just the way you are, with your amazing smile, and the talent and the creativity that you own. You are the person that someone can rely on, someone who cant live without. Yes, thats you
You are the one who lift everything up, including me <3
You might wonder why, because I remember when I needed you, you were there for me,
You caught me right, from the very start, like burning the carpet when were 5, like pulling each other hairs over soup letters when we were 8 or how when we used to play with dolls and you made it a happy ending when we were 9 or how I used to force you to play " Bait w bayout" so you wouldn't make me sad when we were 11 and all of the rest cute memories that we have spend together 
I love every time when you would listen or share a healthy tip about " eating healthy and diet"
I love your out of no where comments, I love your pink and light lipstick
I love how your always know what to do, or what to say or how to react
I love you for  being you, just you.
Dear best friend
For what its worth, you are my sister my beloved not related in one blood sister
We might be away, not living in the same country or work in the same company
but we get to see the sun rise, we get to see the sunset together, and forever

With love,
Your crazy, weird little sister <3
To Suhda Am Ali

I was only 17

I was only 17, I was fit and strong
You name it, until I had my first exposure with panic attacks
I remember allowing myself to give up
Dont blame me, it was too strong, that I 
 couldnt even think about one memory that I wanted to rewind
It made me see the light, that made my heart blind
Made my sight go deaf, till I knew I was alive
shocking news, It was only, an anxiety attack
Who knew they both have the same signs and
This was my first experience with anxiety
Ever since it got my full attention
we became friends
Years later, I diagnosed myself with depression
I remember saying this
“ Anxiety and depression often go together”
at least, thats what I read in books,
and ever since, we both became soulmates
we were friends, then fell in love and soulmates,
Me, and anxiety and depression 3 in 1
I was 20, when I lost my ability to feel
I clearly overdose it
I have an incredible large of emotions
I could not let myself starve from it
Anxiety made me feel, restlessness
shortness of breath, insomnia, I can go on and on about it
To be honest,instead of battling and fighting like everyone else
I embraced it, I let it in
Like we are one, which we are
I was 23, when I lost everything
that lived in me, and
for me that was more than okay to digest
I am grateful, I have two things
that never left my side
hold that thought
call me crazy,  Perhaps, I am
who knows?
I was 24, when I finally
Knew who I was
I am another depressive episode
who is hopeless, who suffers from mental illness
who have colours painted in my skin
Red, purple and blue
I am a piece of dim poetry
Where I leap in the days
So slowly, my heart would wonder
if my insides are like dying flowers
or a living ticking emotional bomb
Which I am,
I am a tasteless echo
that strikes down
I am 25 now,
Independent, outgoing, creative
Lovely, strong and smart
I have a beautiful body, amazing skin
I have a high IQ, I am doing such a great work
I am powerful, my own voice
I am my own hero
I achieved and reached, I worked hard
and ready to go on process
I am 25 now,
and meaningless,
Out of control
I can’t relax,
Messy,
not enough
bruised
senseless
weird
anxious
just by existing
I am
nothing.
that doesnt scare me, what scares me
is living.

another depressive episode

I think i am going through
Why this is so hard,
I am not doing great,
I think I am having
God,
I am going through
another depressive episode
Nothing is happened
I dont know why am I crying
I am fine,
Just out of love
I am not sad
noting in my life has happened
to me to be sad
My life is good
nothing is bad
I am okay,
I am having this feeling
because I was depressed
now, I am fine
My memories are not coming back
nothing can come back
I dont feel good about myself
I am not confident
I dont want to live
Sorry,
I am always low about myself
but
this is how I feel
I am always emotional
and I dont know why
Is it because of the last episode of the bold type
but I am happy
Super, happy
full of butterflies and coffee
But I am giving up now
I am thinking, i am going through
a heart break
as much as that is incredibly flattering and
thank you for feeling that way,
like, I am no role model
or inspirational
Uhm
I cant help in my brain and read that
and feel pressure
I hear this and i cry
I cant be that perfect
I am going though down here
and I feel like I can live it up like that
This is not me
I am not great and it sucks
Uhm
I hate that i cry all of the time
crying all the time
but this is the reality of  having a mental issue
I dont know what to say
this is how I feel right now
and i dont feel good
i wanna hide
i wanna stay in bed all day
and hide
from the world
its like, this feeling
its a
its like this
sinking feeling inside
my pain cant even fit my body
this feeling eats me away
making me so small
and now
I am this
nothing
I need help
or I will
do it again,
like many times before
Hurt myself again today
and the worst part
I am happy this way
I think,
I have no friends
no one to hold
but razors
I am falling,
I am small
In need
help,
I
I am going through
Uhm
just
going though
a
heart break
but
I
will
Uhm
be
Uhm
happy

The scariest thing about love

The scariest thing about love, 

Is that you might never remember it,
Like it never happened

But somehow lives in that brain of yours
There might be unconscious memories inside
and one moment, one exact shot
Might makes you feel things, like ache
but you dont know why
My brain has always been weird
and my personality has always dutifully
followed in its path
One night, I dress up all happy 

with shots in my hand
another nights, I scroll down the camera
and cry on pink Floyd songs
The scariest thing about love,
Is once upon time
Once upon time, feels the tense sadness
Pain did not even fit my body
It felt like someone was living in me
I could listen to someone chit chatting
and, its not even me

its disturbing enough 

Once upon time,
I remember, I was laying
my lips were wide open
I could listen to someone talk
My lips were moving crazy
saying " Rest in peace"
" Rest in peace!"
only that in an adult woman's  voice
I felt like resting the unlimited limited resting
asleep
Pain did not even fit my body
I told that to my psychiatrist
He started into the pit of my soul and said
" Were you drunk? High?"
I knew, he wont even understand
I dont even understand
The scariest thing about love
is loving your own self

I will choose you

I will choose you, on the days when you are tired
On the days when lifting your head exhaust you
On the morning, when moaning sickness you
I will choose you, like I drink my coffee

daily in the mornings, daily in the night
I will still choose you
I shall wrap my arms around you

pray for you within my prayers
Leaning my body against yours
willing to love you
with all of my broken pieces
When even smiling makes you uncomfort
I will put my lips on yours
for hours till you sleep heavenly
I will choose you on the days
you do not choose yourself
on the day you give up
on the day
you choose not to wake up
I will choose you
on your darkest days,
still, i will choose you