I was only 17

I was only 17, I was fit and strong
You name it, until I had my first exposure with panic attacks
I remember allowing myself to give up
Dont blame me, it was too strong, that I 
 couldnt even think about one memory that I wanted to rewind
It made me see the light, that made my heart blind
Made my sight go deaf, till I knew I was alive
shocking news, It was only, an anxiety attack
Who knew they both have the same signs and
This was my first experience with anxiety
Ever since it got my full attention
we became friends
Years later, I diagnosed myself with depression
I remember saying this
“ Anxiety and depression often go together”
at least, thats what I read in books,
and ever since, we both became soulmates
we were friends, then fell in love and soulmates,
Me, and anxiety and depression 3 in 1
I was 20, when I lost my ability to feel
I clearly overdose it
I have an incredible large of emotions
I could not let myself starve from it
Anxiety made me feel, restlessness
shortness of breath, insomnia, I can go on and on about it
To be honest,instead of battling and fighting like everyone else
I embraced it, I let it in
Like we are one, which we are
I was 23, when I lost everything
that lived in me, and
for me that was more than okay to digest
I am grateful, I have two things
that never left my side
hold that thought
call me crazy,  Perhaps, I am
who knows?
I was 24, when I finally
Knew who I was
I am another depressive episode
who is hopeless, who suffers from mental illness
who have colours painted in my skin
Red, purple and blue
I am a piece of dim poetry
Where I leap in the days
So slowly, my heart would wonder
if my insides are like dying flowers
or a living ticking emotional bomb
Which I am,
I am a tasteless echo
that strikes down
I am 25 now,
Independent, outgoing, creative
Lovely, strong and smart
I have a beautiful body, amazing skin
I have a high IQ, I am doing such a great work
I am powerful, my own voice
I am my own hero
I achieved and reached, I worked hard
and ready to go on process
I am 25 now,
and meaningless,
Out of control
I can’t relax,
Messy,
not enough
bruised
senseless
weird
anxious
just by existing
I am
nothing.
that doesnt scare me, what scares me
is living.