I dont think about you, that often ( a piece full of lies)

Honestly, it doesn't matter
Its been already years since you have passed away
Especially the fact that people who are in my life have never met you
I dont think about you not all the time
I dont believe either that things would be different if you were here,
I dont believe that we could have ended getting married or naming
our kids Adam and Lilly the way we planned 
Or the fact that we both became doctors.
I dont think about you, or embrace if you were still alive, 
Instead, I like to push maybe burn all the good memories
So, I wont have to rewind them, and just let it go.
No, I dont use your phone number as my password 
or call maybe text or email you. 
I dont even remember your email address, naruoto123@hotmail.com
I cant even imagine if you were alive what would happen,
Are we still together or will I introduce you to my new love life
Would you share on how we met, or some of our insane memories 
It would be too awkward, no
I dont log in to MSN anymore,
I am trying to prevent having your name as a contact
Or listen to Ashlee sim-son songs and wonder what happened
No, I dont pass by the places we used to love, 
Or order the same exact milk shakes we adored
Especially on occasions related to love or even on your birthday
I dont remember you, you dont pop up,
You are not alive, I dont think of you in my prayers
or even after playing SIMS, or rolling with my skates
I dont think of you that much or at all,
Even after you passed and I have pushed people away,
I am already cold and pale, terrified
I dont care about you as much as you used to, 
I dont treasure you, not possible, no way!
Or miss you so much, my chest would ache
You are gone, away
Your existence is faded, you are not here
The smile of your stare brown eyes, is gone
I dont feel you, you are not watching closely over me,
You are gone, away
I dont like you, I love you like falling in love like I never stopped loving you part
I miss you like crazy, like someone missing someone 24/7 times
Like I still write letters, and poems about you
How can I even forget you? I cant, I dont want to
so, honestly
You matter the most, more than myself or anyone else
You are my first and only love,
you are the classic fairytale
the only end.
I still pray for you in my prayers,
Because no matter what happens
I still look up for you,
I still hope to get a reply on my emails from you
I still hope you would turn green on MSN
I still hope I might see you in the other 39 people
who looks exactly like you,
In order to make me alive
Honestly,
I died in the moment I got the news
I died in the moment your phone is disconnected
I died in the moment you are not home
I died in the moment I lost you.