Everyone should love themselves right

I have fallen in love with the wrong one 
By accident, maybe on purpose 
Without knowing if she is right one 
if he had touched my inner soul or not yet
Maybe its when chasing cars was on the radio
or maybe when she baked extra cherries on the floor
Singing, trembling, crying
I have fallen in love without thinking
Without no fear, 
I didnt even take a step ahead 
For the first time, I 
abandoned all the rules of love
and felt so deeply to it
and I liked it
Its safe, safe 
I have no regrets, not a bit
Loving the wrong person
is okay, is good
In fact, its beautiful
You get your heart ached
In the small detailed shape
It makes you know who you are 
and embrace it 
I have fallen in love without analyzing the future
I stopped wondering and over thinking
or trying to figure anything out
If its fits then let it be
if it made me sorrow then let it be
If I got abused
like always, let it be 
I have fallen in love, 
with the flawless, whole self loving person
and I have let him, her in
I have let myself feel for the first time
without thinking, maybe it is a sin
and if our love was apart of manipulating 
and those damn expectation 
let it be, 
I have fallen in love, and yes
I have stop searching for the "one"
I have this now, because I am happy
endless pale voiceless 
because I feel something powerful
so sad, it make me want to burn it all,
Because, I know
I will never find real love like this
I wont be able to re feel this feeling
to let people in so fast
without thinking, 
I know, I shall learn and grow
faster, slowly so deeply
and I will discover 
if this was love, or not
its when I try, 
I have fallen in love with the wrong one
with the person who seems right
who took my heart
to the rhythm 
and tore it apart
I gave my heart freely
to someone with wrong intentions
who doesnt care
or value love itself
but in the end, i let it happen
the whole affection, desperation and 
loneliness 
I let it be, or become
I have fallen in love, with someone
who is me, when I look in the mirror
with someone who care widely
who is terrified genuinely
who's heart is madly emotional bomb
 Someone who likes the attention 
of getting bullied by the night
someone is not fully right
but I let it happen
I have fallen in love 
with the wrong person
and its beautiful
it could crash and burn
but its a soulmate
who dances and laugh
after all,
when my heart dies peacefully
it will rise again
it will shine
bright
colourful
ready to love
the wrong person

Everyone should love themselves right

My Emotional Infection

My emotional infection
punished me awfully, 
after we ended, 
I have spent days weakening, recovering
so hard, there were days, I didn't get out of bed
in the mornings, although I didn't even slept a second
The only friend who ever took me in the hands, was anxiety 
Anxiety punished me, it kept me in bed trembling 
It made me cry in the middle of the dawn, 
I feared my own individuality again, and
I spent hours going over the goodbye
those slaps that hit my heart, 
the emptiness that had hollowed out of my body. 
You abandoned me after years of love, 
When I needed you the most, 
We knew all the parts of each other skins,
The metaphors, the ode, and the narrative 
We kissed till the last war we had between us, 
Either ways you left, I left we became a disaster ever since
mentally, physically, what else?
Our bodies became messy and ugly
We couldn't stand ourselves in the mirror 
I have learned since the days I and you left each other
how to practice self care, but with anxiety here
I cant not even pull out myself
My mental illness convince me that I was the abuser here 
That you and I broke a part
for my violence behaviors against love 
Some time i accept the fact, it was my fault 
other days, I feel damaged goods, 
and other days I feel judged whenever
I pass by to our favorite coffee shop
As much as I want to give up, I rather blame me 
for you leaving us a part
At least it make sense to me, to everything else
Its been years now, I wont lie and say
I am completely healed, I am not
I might convinced myself that I forgotten 
All the love, the kisses and much more 
but anxiety hold me like a prisoner
so tightly to remind me, it was my fault
I have failed myself to keep us warm, 
To keep loving myself into you and vice versa
and honestly, I am starting to give up
How can someone abuse themselves widely
expecting forgiveness from them selves 
I wont say I will survive this, 
How can I? When you and I are one
When I will be wearing something nice 
I will look in the broken pale mirror and 
I shall see the pain, that I drew on our faces
I wont apologize to myself, 
I deserve anxiety for the way I treated me 
for the way I treated us, 
for the way I let you down

This piece was written from me 
to the younger version of myself.

#ModernDating

I am 25 years old, a single woman

I pretty much live in the silliest part
of the modern hook up culture
A guy getting me a drink at a bar,
we are sharing a table at the desk
at the university, in work or whatsoever
trying to respond to a text, so I
would seem an interesting person.
But instead, I lay in the couch
Swiping left, swiping right on tinder
five seconds, maybe one minute later
till I match, go on a date and end up with
that selfish physical touch, but
What about those red roses, I once liked? See
The date leads to a second, maybe a 3rd even
But they eventually leave, and I wonder
Is it due to my sensitivity insecurities mindset, or
It is because I share more
then what people need to hear, or know
Or maybe, maybe just maybe
I don't relate to the modern dating scene
Maybe, maybe I connect to being an introvert only
I dislike being alone by myself after 3 am
smoking my last cigarette, until I began to experience
to experience it for me,
It's complicated, it's meaningless its everything it's endless
Looking so wonderful in this short dress,
but still no courage on one is asking me out, or
have coffee, a drink, night in the valley,
Perhaps I am too quick, a jerk the misfit
I live in this world, where people are afraid
to feel anything genuine,
no one is the courage to speak up their minds
if I am in love with you, I should tell you
but instead, I will write a poem about it
When I am angry with you,
 I won't call you and tell you about it,
no I won't! Instead,
I will tweet a 140 character quote and live with it,
my nagging texts will soon turn into zero none sense,
if I liked you, I won't tell you how I feel,
I live in this modern dating world, I am 25 and single
I don't dare to ask you out, because that means
stepping ahead of this game that means
I will cute those rules off, , and I don't need bad luck more than that.
Because, if I lose, I end up alone,
drowning in a pile of my insecurities wondering what did I do wrong again! 
Don't wait by the phone, he is not going to text
No texting him first means desperate
casual dinner means nothing
overdressing means you want it more
But I can't talk about it, so I write perhaps text
Everything here is done through damn texting
it's weird to call someone in this modern life
a voice to voice a full conversation a giggle
the sound of you laughing is forbidden
Don't wait by the phone, he won't call
Calculating the time where you went home,
after the dinner, the next morning no text
the week after, don't wait by the phone
I swear as much as I faced those moments
I should get a degree for that, hookups
everything, everyone hookups
but I want a movie, a rose, a pack of chocolate
the endless romantic movie, those tears
I want a valley full of candles,
the memories that will last, I want those but
wanting a more dating culture is useless here
if I like someone, iIwant to hang out 24/7
I need feelings,
If I talk to him too much, I’m needy.
If I am always free when he asks me to hangout, I’m clingy
and have no life of my own.
And I am constantly wondering why
I play these stupid games.
Why can’t I call someone because I like talking to him?
Why does showing I care make me needy?
If I act angry when a guy blows me off,
I’m just a crazy bitch, so my only other option is to complain to my friends and wade in anxiety
until he finally texts me back.
And let me tell you something;
I don’t want to be that girl.
I don’t want anyone to have that power over me.
No one should have that kind of power over anyone.
I am so tired of living in a world where apathy
is more effective in getting
someone’s attention than honesty.
I’m tired of the manipulative games
that men and women play with one another
in an effort to maintain control in a relationship
that we’re not allowed to define.
I am tired of this ,
So this is the plan, sit tight and throw your phones away
lets stop this act,,
respect each other
tell the truth, be honest
let us inspire the idea of love
the cuddles, those kisses
the candles, the area the love
if your not into someone, dont fool for their bodies
dont touch their soul, if they are not your type
Dont ignore the texts that took time from the other person,
Text back, reply with a heart
Send a joke, say I miss you more often
If you love her, marry her
Be honest, dont waste time
now, bring your phones back
dial their number
listen to their voices
speak to them about love
before its too or late
Be honest,
Dont wait by the phone
She is not going to text
Easy easy on the keyboard
wipe your tears,
Exhale, inhale slowly
No one is going to text
Dont wait by the phone

Answering all the Questions you once send: MF

Answering all the Questions you once send: MF

- While music plays in my head, I imagine myself as this 

Heartbroken, single and ached person
I search for those memories where I cried myself to bed,
Where I wished a car would hit me, till I dont feel a thing
Till I feel the shivers on my skin only,
- I remember the time, where you asked me, if I ever had to leave my country,
And bring one suitcase with me,
It shall be you, our love, respect and hope
but because the only reason I might leave is when I die, simply.
You asked me this as well, 
- If I had a choice to either feel pain or feel nothing, I would chose pain
Because it would remind me of being a human who loves and get loved back,
It would remind me when you hurt me and I had to cry so bad, and also this,
- If I had the chance to relive the last 3 years of my life,
I would change nothing, okay everything
The way I write my insecurities to the world, the way I read, see
things differently, the way I am right now, I would be me just me
- Dont ask me what is the best feelings, because the world best is related to happy
But I am no happy, I am damaged, and I like that about me.
- Remember when you asked me, on what did I think my parents biggest mistake was?
Me, they gave me a life, I am a sin a terrible person I am useless
Without me, I am sure, they would be happy.
- My goal for this year is nothing, I have no goals, and yes I am not that bold to tell
anyone that I wish nothing this year or the next and the last.
- What made my hardest breakup so painful, is that believed I could be loved back,

I will love you

I will love you on the days, you chose not to wake up,
When your bedroom is haunted by negative thoughts,
Where it feels like we are deaf by the colour of our eyes
Where music is making us blind to the core, I will love you

I will be the voice, the inner sound inside of you, but I will be the one kind the motivated voice, i will push you, I will let you be yourself and be glad, I will be the laughter on the other end of the telephone tell you about a memory we shared, I will be your second hand, slowing putting my fingers on your cheeks, lips and down to earth i will make you feel worth it. I will love you

I will love you on the blue days, where you dont want to continue, when you are staring at a blank wall, motionless, emotionless and silent. When everything you ever dreamed about became a scratch on a paper, I will love you, when your defeated, ached and humble. I will love you

I will be your shoulder, your second leg, I will be the thighs if you want to, I will be a healing body that comfort you only, I wont be silent breathing person towards you, i will be an out loud giving you freedom, I will love you,

I will love you when you dont want to love yourself, when your flaws live by you, when you no longer know who you are, I will be with you to remind you of how amazingly you are. I will love you.
I will share with you those dusted torn up photographs, on the night where we kissed, you gave me 7 out of 10
On the night where you gave me that mother of a hell box of fries. On the night where you said "I love you" and got hit by a car, on the night and on the night we shared memories that I dont you to forget, at least not yet. I will love you

I will love you, when your laying down the bed, not being able to move, I will hold your both hands and we will pray together, like a one person yes we will, I will love you even when everybody is gone, even if everyone leaves I will love you to the last close of the eyes.

I will love you, for you, with all the many forms that you have given me in the past life, for all those times where you have held me in the perfect fit as your wife, I will love you. I will love you even if those mother hell machines stops, where that square full of heart beats becomes a straight line, or if those helping people ask me to go away, even if the sun suicide itself,
I will love you.
I will love you with all of my heart, even when you close your eyes and say goodbye, I will love you more and beyond, I will love you,

I will love you, I will still love you and I will never stop loving you, even if your not here with me, even when the room is full of people wearing black, I will love you.
I will love you every single day, when I wake up and your not here beside me, I will love you.

I will love you.
I will always love you

Explaining my happiness to mom

Mom, I am happy at midnight
Where you would be asleep
right after 3 in the morning
Where my anxiety strikes down
I am happy, truly completely full of happiness
No mom, I am not lonely, i am a crowded place
full of people coming and going, and staying, (no not really)
But dont worry mom, I am a success story
the perfect metaphor where people cry in the end,
I am that part, (only)
I am happy mom, see
Dolor passes by, and we hang out ( all the time)
It make me shivers,
In the kitchen, on my laptop writing as always
I am enough, yeah people act like I am no weird
and they say that I am a comfort ( not really), see
My happiness is not like any other,
It suffocates me, in ways I never felt so happy with,
Its like love, first love of the sun, with the moon
That kind of love, that doesnt exists
But I am happy, like super happy mom
Things are going just fine, thats why I stay up late
I am being productive with my friends,
I have, insomnia who never leave my side, then
I have my stuttering who is like a shadow
and did I mention depression
because we are like best friends now,
so dont worry mom, I am happy,
Remember that time where you saw me, sinking
Sinking down with my thoughts and
A tear hit my mascara turning my face into a colorful masterpiece,
and I had to lie and tell you I am sad
I am not, not even close
I am happy, super happy
Mom,
Dont hold me so tightly, it reminds me of the abuse
That scratched at the back of my neck
Dont try to say kind words or motivate me, I am okay
Dont worry, when right after my working hours, I like to sleep
It just, I  dont want you to ask how my day was
I am happy,
I am super happy mom
Just dont at me in the eyes,
I already have a burning soul, a body
and my mind is slowly aching
I am happy

#Inhale Exhale

#NewPiece #InhaleExhale #Sad 
Inhale, exhale slowly, deeply and passionately 
My body lays awake, touching the floor painfully 
Memories reaches my throats suffocating my will to fight back,
I have done a sin father, I have a done sin mother
I have reopened some wounds last night, more than some
Let my sensitive skin get scratched engraved,
till blood was covering the backseat
 there were no escape!
This morning 4 am sharp I dug up into stories
that was made up, till I couldn't stop, till I hit the max, till this was no joke till I was hurt, numb and sinned. Again
Yes, for a few seconds, days and years I felt comfortable
I loved every second of it, every single detail bruise on my skin,
Yes, I didn't want to heal, I didn't want to lay on the bath and lush out till healing make me feel something powerful, I wanted to be weak, anxious and in a mess.
 Inhale, exhale slowly, deeply and passionately,
I lay down in the backseat, where you can see my skin pouring out of love, signing in throughout my virtual tool, checking my Instagram account, where only perfection is allowed there,
I move slowly my head reaching to the stars, looking at my fingers wanted to dial 911, but I couldn't feel them, I could only feel tears washing away my agony turning the pain in my chest to dance like the devils dances, screen turned off, the display shows my face now, I look like an empty plate now, trying to smile in order to scare away my fears of dying slowly, reaching to my phone again, trying to post something about my feelings, till phrases and metaphors lighten up " Attention Seeker" ' No
one care" till without noticing I threw away the only help I had.
Inhale, exhale slowly, deeply and passionately,
I sat in the backseat, I swear I felt like something was getting out of my body, till I started to shiver, I am hearing lights now
But its colourful, darker colours, I am seeing the sounds of people voiceless pale faces, damn they look wonderful from where I am sighting they are applauding, I have done it
I am the scars on my body, laying on a white clean bed,
Some electronics power reaches my chest 1. 2. 3
A small squared screen, 1, 2, 3 Again! Again
I made myself into an art piece, sell me for the meaningless now
1, 2, 3, Again! Beep was the last thing I have heard before I could see myself in the dark, before I turned into ashes
Before my emotional healing process turned into nothing.
I have worked hard on me, to turn myself into something powerful, weak, beautiful and agonized
I have turned myself into a beauty of words
I have turned myself into healing
Beep! Inhale, exhale slowly, deeply and passionately,
I am clean, pure and innocent
the scream in my throat is gone now, I am the healing
I am the healing,
Inhale, exhale slowly, deeply and passionately,