My Emotional Infection

My emotional infection
punished me awfully, 
after we ended, 
I have spent days weakening, recovering
so hard, there were days, I didn't get out of bed
in the mornings, although I didn't even slept a second
The only friend who ever took me in the hands, was anxiety 
Anxiety punished me, it kept me in bed trembling 
It made me cry in the middle of the dawn, 
I feared my own individuality again, and
I spent hours going over the goodbye
those slaps that hit my heart, 
the emptiness that had hollowed out of my body. 
You abandoned me after years of love, 
When I needed you the most, 
We knew all the parts of each other skins,
The metaphors, the ode, and the narrative 
We kissed till the last war we had between us, 
Either ways you left, I left we became a disaster ever since
mentally, physically, what else?
Our bodies became messy and ugly
We couldn't stand ourselves in the mirror 
I have learned since the days I and you left each other
how to practice self care, but with anxiety here
I cant not even pull out myself
My mental illness convince me that I was the abuser here 
That you and I broke a part
for my violence behaviors against love 
Some time i accept the fact, it was my fault 
other days, I feel damaged goods, 
and other days I feel judged whenever
I pass by to our favorite coffee shop
As much as I want to give up, I rather blame me 
for you leaving us a part
At least it make sense to me, to everything else
Its been years now, I wont lie and say
I am completely healed, I am not
I might convinced myself that I forgotten 
All the love, the kisses and much more 
but anxiety hold me like a prisoner
so tightly to remind me, it was my fault
I have failed myself to keep us warm, 
To keep loving myself into you and vice versa
and honestly, I am starting to give up
How can someone abuse themselves widely
expecting forgiveness from them selves 
I wont say I will survive this, 
How can I? When you and I are one
When I will be wearing something nice 
I will look in the broken pale mirror and 
I shall see the pain, that I drew on our faces
I wont apologize to myself, 
I deserve anxiety for the way I treated me 
for the way I treated us, 
for the way I let you down

This piece was written from me 
to the younger version of myself.