Bullying ( Back in High School)

First punch,
I swallowed it,
Second slap,
I ate that, 
Pointing at my face,
I never saw it,
Mouth spit,
Back stabbing, 
You see how I look,
Believe me,
I look like a freak,
At least, 
That’s what they said,
I couldn’t do anything,
But believed,
Back in high school,
They used to get me,
All the time,
Words, actions,
Pointing, 
Rumors, 
It burned me, 
Like a fire, 
Burning my skin,
Back in high school,
I was their puppet,
Just like anxiety,
did,
They waited for me,
Around the corner,
With their gossip
that 
Felt like a razor,
Cutting me instead,
Ugly, fat, stupid
And a mess,
Thanks to them,
I lost myself,
With rejections, 
And their judgmental,
They, 
They,
Have won my weakness,
That led me, to hell
I have become nothing,
Thanks to them,
I grew up being worthless, 
Not enough,
Attacking my own breathe,
Sometimes, 
Cutting my own wrists, 
I kept on wishing,
If I told someone,
But I knew they would 
Pick on me, 
Even more, 
So I kept those times,
Where I felt like giving up
To my writings,
And now, 
Those writings, 
Are coming to an end,
Waiting for me to speak,
At least help,
But how can I talk,
See, 
Freak alien, 
Is my middle name,
So, I kept telling myself 
To shout the hell up,
Its better, 
To feel that way,
Than speak up,
Its not like my teachers
Would have stand up,
Or my parents would,
So I let those bruises, 
Kept me safe for a while,
Maybe I would forget,
Back stabbing,
Mouth spit,
Pointing at myself 
I never saw it,
Second Slap, 
I ate t,
First Punch 
I swallowed it 

I deserve more

I deserve more
than your half text messages
late at night
When my brain is about to
lose it, lose control
More than the hours
Where I stay and wait for you
I deserve more
than the girl you took out for brunch
today,
I deserve more than
the time you spent on your games
More than the guy i once met
More than time
and space
I crave for attention
The small detailed efforts
to win me over
Dont act too interested,
Like your into my poetry
or the epic sad songs
that i like listening to
Dont tell me your truly feelings,
I might panic and leave
Perhaps you can be honest
When I am super drunk
So, I wont remember
Why my eyes are burning
I deserve more than your lame excuses
the one with the work related
or how your sick, and
that story where you had the flu
I was sitting right behind you
in the corner
having beers with the ladies
So, dont dare
tell me that your sick
I deserve more
I deserve more

Why 3:00 AM is important to me?

A 3:00 am
is my vulnerable time
of the day
Where I expand
and mend
throughout the day
Where I cry
and pretend
I let myself take the blame
for the scars
the red, the blue
the sadness
I let my heart
ache
for the missing pieces
that I kept inside
and just hide
away from happiness
cause, honestly
happiness isn't my thing
I dont live
for the smiles
for the excitement
I dont live for the sake of friends
and lovers
and enjoyment
I live for the agony
depression, and anxiety
I live for the mess
for the pain
that is sculpture
inside of me
thats bombs everything
especially me

A 3:00 am
is where I let everything out
but in silence
within my writings
metaphors and music
A 3:00 am
is where I finally
have the courage
pick up the gun
Shoot my individuality out
expose my lines
tell the truth
I am not ready to live
I was never ready to live
I was never ready

 

100 Letters

Dear a 100 letters,

Perhaps this how things end
My stationary seem to give up,
All of the words in the dictionary
is fading and been used
The messages in the custom designed papers
are crumbled into glitter and ice
and here I am,
Re writing this endless soul of mine out
Picking up those promises
the little moments, that meant a lot
and let them out

Perhaps this brain freeze is how things end
Tied tongue ideas are broken
All those love, hate feelings
Gaze looking at the stars,
The once we called out of love,
Here I am picking up those high,
Those high and low moments
Where I panic, hide and get lost
where my insecurity demands a stand
of my emotions, and dont let me start
My emotions, are destructive
in a good, a beautiful masterpiece
like a wild dreamer
like myself, when I first began writing

Perhaps this mess, that I live in
Is just the start, of my own thunderstorm
and here I am, cracking up
reckless, empty, stubborn
out of the box, so sad
My body demands to stop
To be held, in someone arm's
For more than two hours late night phone mix
and this is how I look at the mirror
Re writing scenarios in my head
Building a statement
 to the last 100 letters  that I have written

This how I end it

With my passionate, dreams and sadness
I love you,
Sincerely
,myself

Right Now

Right now

I look like the girl

from the Black Swan movie

My skin is losing its mind

My senses are slowly panicking

I can’t make it stop

I am anxious 

Out of control

I can’t relax,

Even when I am safe

My anxiety is eating my peace

is eating my inner peace out

Its why I bite my nails

I can’t focus

I keep on checking my phone

When its off

I feel the tense sense

I can’t make it stop

Anxiety is my heart

Messy, damaged and honest

I am doomed

Miserable, lost and weird

I am slowly dying

Letting everything die with me,

the flowers, are becoming frozen

This ceiling, everything

I am panicking

There is no a switch off

I am a bad feeling,

My system can’t be shut down

I socialize occasionally,

especially when I am drunk

I mean wasted, 

It’s like getting sad

after watching the Notebook

or getting the news

someone is dead

I am the universe of feelings

the bad ones

the misfits

crazy

I go to the extent

the viral

moody

I get anxious 

just by existing!

Am I crazy? 

I may be born like this

With my insomnia 

Depression

and dolor

My life has no point

I go left, I go right 

Nothing is useful

I look like the devil

from the movies

Unwanted, abandon 

a killer

As a kid I was never okay

I had dimensions 

I could see my endings

last scene 

of every single day 

Sometimes I see myself

cutting my wrists

days where I cry myself 

another is when 

I wear this god white dress 

but my stress 

is killing me 

I feel heaviness on my chest

but despite of that

I am okay

the kind of answer 

where it’s a lie

covering for the truth that I want it 

My anxiety is my identity 

we are a two compound

it is for the likes 

and praise 

and no matter who I meet

or what I read

I will have it

See, it lives in my veins

it’s my oxygen

it’s my middle name 

and I am fine with it

 I am fine with it

I am with fine with it

I am not 

I need help

I am not fine with it

I am not!

We never dated, but you still broke my heart

We didnt date, but you told me how much, you liked me
Whenever you saw me, you would tell me,
How I look pretty, whenever I wear something black,
and when we dont see each other that much,
You would text me "I miss you"
We didnt date, but would text me
from the moment you open your eyes, see
you made me wanted with your words,
I felt like I was something special
We didnt date, but you shared your secrets with me,
You told me things, that one one else knew
Like you cared about me, like
you want me in your life
We didnt date, but you cuddled me
Kissed me, and comforted me
You saw me when I am vulnerable and safe
We didnt date, but you gave me a reason
to think that one day, we would
We didnt date, but you hurt me
It doesnt really matter
whether you were my official boyfriend or
if you refused to label it
You still broke my heart
So, when you start dating, dont act
dont act like i am crazy, i am not
Dont wonder about my questions
when I ask you, why were you so distant
dont blow me off,
at least not yet
Dont answer with " its non of your business"
Because you let me get so close
you made me fall in love with you,
No! We didnt date
but I became emotionally attached to you,
to each other, we made a connection
and thats why I need an explanation
I deserve a closure,
I deserve to hear why do you wanna leave
I need to know that I dont mean to you
anything anymore
at least not for now
at least not ever
so, when I ask you
why were you distant?
please answer
Dont let me wait
Dont break my heart even more
Dont let me wait
I love you.

To the Man, who is about to break my heart

To the man, 
who is about to break my heart, 

Its hard for me to speak, 
See, I had a hard time, 
Letting people inside,
I have also a way of, 
Letting people open up, 
So much as wide as ocean,
So, they don’t notice, 
I haven’t open up an inch, 
But you and I, 
we were different
We were too honest, 
We know that we are damaged, 
And afraid of love, 
We did things so perfectly,
We gave it the best we had, 
That’s why, I want to be honest, 
I want to be honest with you, 

See, I am scared, 
More than death to me, 
You think I am strong enough, 
That I have build a wall so high, 
So no one can see my pain inside,
So, no one can see my transit 
So, No one can see me, 
How, I long to be held
And loved in a way, 
I was never before

Then, there is you
You are all the wrong things, 
But rolled up with a beautiful package
that makes me feel so many things
Your are everything,
I shouldn’t be looking for, 
Yet it makes sense to me,

In so many ways, 
I, see myself in you
The way you keep running away,
As an option
Protecting yourself and reminding
Reminding yourself, that 
If things start to feel too real,
You can, and will leave

You, like the idea of leaving
You, love to be desired, in ways
That you can’t even comprehend
You, also play the scenarios
Out in your mind, ( Just like me)
And then use the, to 
Calculate yourself worth, 
Yes, I have been there

See, you pretend to be hard,
Somehow hurt the people,
Who care about you, 
Though, deep inside
Its hurting you so much more,
Than them, even myself

So, this is why I am terrified,
This honesty, that we have created,
Between us, with passion
Maybe more attraction 
Is surely a dangerous combination
There is no hiding, 
No more lies, 
Despite all those insecurities, 
Knowing everything about you, 
Somehow I trust you, 
Thought, 
Its giving me the itch,
In the soles of my feet,
Telling me
“Its time to Run”