not anymore

Dont question
the meaning of you
our friendship
We have been through so much
its impossible for me, to forget you
We were a burning throat
A kiss on the lips
Yet a fire that needed to be frozen
We were extraordinary
You will be the first person I would call
in an event of death or breakdown
You didnt break my heart
or made my life any miserable than before
It was like we never matched
on sunset blueberries

Our bodies didnt click like
kisses on vanilla's mood
We were never one
we were two instead
Two different personalities in one person
which made memories get lost
in hell,

I must admit,
I dont regret, the first time
I saw you, i thought my heart gave up
the beating was so fast
I stopped feeling it,
or the first time
you asked me to dance
on the moonlight of our sense
you made my pain go away

like magic, which i dont believe in
not anymore
or maybe the time
where you expressed too many emotions
that i thought i was talking to myself
I remember, your caring face
the way you touched me, with embrace
You didnt break my heart
How could you? When we were never a thing
We were an experience after fireballs shots
Wild and free, hopeless dances
We were colours that was made
not to last
A fact, I wont miss you
nor dial your phone number
but I will pray
for your pure soul heart
You made me weird
wired, loving human being
You made me,
something worth living
so, I wont miss you
we were never something,
so, when I pass on life
you would come
throw the flowers that i liked
the once you brought with the excuse
"they were on sale"
for me, because i like them
you didnt break my heart
It was already breaking
you were the last piece
and I loved it

I still do,
We never fallen in love with each other
but we were one skin
that look, that smile, that kiss,
that solo dance
We were never together,
so you never broke me
I was never fixed

I was wired
I was
In love
with the idea
of hurting
the suffering
the losing
the you
I was only
in love

My Long Gone Friend

For the past eleven years, Woman International day has been something frightful to me,
Its hopeless to avoid, I see it in the news, on the commercials,
and whenever I receive greeting cards
People embrace it on social media on #WID but whenever its March 8th
I let my fears eat me alive, remembering that one person who used to rock my world, is gone
I grew bitter, not better especially watching my friends
Share their love to that special person, and I could not
Instead, i grew hate inside my spines reaching down my throat
I grew pressure that made my stuttering go into raping mood
The first two many years following that someone death,
I remember going on denial, deaf losing sight mood
I just needed space and clarity
I made ache my best friend, no romance to swallow
a deep grief, i drowned myself in time with memories
just to keep my mind occupied
I lie whenever someone asks how it happnened
It was blurry just like my soul, there were pieces everywhere
poetry painted on the walls, glasses that remained in the corners
Just so I remember, just so I wont forget you
Call me selfish, I dont mind
I allow myself to write letters to you and mail them
Knowing you wont ever receive them,
but I let my emotions out on the keyboard
Even though my feelings would explode with tears 
But its the only way, I can still sense you somehow
especially, if I meet a stranger on the street
and share about my favorite memory
I feel like i am inviting you back to my life for a second
Call me crazy, but I feel you sometimes
like a strong stroke that i am okay with
So, when March 8th starts
I look for the places that we used to go,
Perhaps I would, see you
Hold that thought, call me crazy
Woman international day
kicks me in the stomach each and every time
especially seeing you among them
without me, without myself
and I am happy, I am surely happy
You get to impact on others
I get to watch over you from above
You get to visit me with flowers,
I get to listen to you share our memories
that I sometimes like to forget
so, Woman international day,
Is something I look up for and I dont
Because I get to see you,
But then you cant even feel my existence
cause I am dead and you are not.

The first time I tasted love, 2006

Back in the days, where technology didnt embrace out 
We first met, rolling down the street 
with our speedy rolling skates, I remember 11th 2003
It was a warm night, you and I decided to talk
our eyes exploded with sparkles, we blew each other minds 
Like fireworks on ice, like cold that turn into melting hands,
I remember running to you, whenever I felt loved,
We were something else, other calls it love
but we called it the one,
Back in the days, where holding hands was making love
We didnt own cellphones like lovers these days,
But we had usernames on MSN
I was flowercandy, you were naruto123
If we werent on slides, we would be chatting
and when you stop answering, i would nudge you,
Back in the days, where falling in love means eternity
You and I were immortal, we thought of growing old
Tell our kids on how we met, show them what love is,
I remember when you said "I love you" 24th 2006
Back then, it was the first time I tasted love,
Ever since, you gave me too much,
made my heart stop,
Back in the days, where hugging each other means love
We gave up everything, we risks our soul out
just to see each other, for few minutes
We embraces it, like its our only strength,
I lied, when you asked me if I loved you back,
I never stopped,
But I was moving away, we would be a part
I would break your heart, I dont want that,
So, I said I needed time and left,
Back in the days, we stopped talking
I tasted hurt 21 June 2007
Then our heart exploded, we were thunderstorms
faith brought up together like before,
our love grew, you named us " a long relationship"
That was fine, at least for a while
We were on our senior year in high school,
but we still managed to find time to talk,
by warm poems, and the chat on the MSN,
we thank M.SN that kept our love alive, at least for a while,
Back in the day 18th Sep 2009
I had a heartache, I remember my body going on shivering mood
I couldn't stop crying, I almost gave up,
I almost lost hope, the voices, the life, everything went into dust
I remember, everything about that call,
Another voice on the other side, the voice is far, my head is spining
I didnt even get to the part, but I tasted death 18th Sep 2009
My throat was on fire, I was ready to give up,
Something strong hit my body, like a bullet
into my chest, that gave me burns reaching
down my spin, giving my pressure at the back on my neck
I lost my one and only, myself, my own self
Back in 18th Sep 2009 I tasted lost 
The conversation on the phone went like this
" God gave him something else to do"
" God gave him a new mission"
" He will look up at you"
I remember my body getting into unknown mode
but I said this " Who are you talking about"
the other voice was " M.Z"
The first time I tasted love was 24th April 2006
it was only then.

God rest your soul in peace <3

Shattering

People around me, dont understand
How it is exhausting to always pretend
That I dont care how my soul is heartless,
or worse, feel bad for me
I am not that open person,
I dont express my emotions to the world
Instead I internal breakdown
like an emotional bomb into devastated poems
and thats alright for me,
I break into small pieces, I shattered down the isle
Whenever I listen to a heartwarming songs
I might share too much, for the sake of attention
thats how I usually roll, just to fit in as "normal"
and whenever I put myself in a weird situation
I call out on the colorful dots (floaters)
To empower my mentally and physically pain
in order to explode in dimensions as you read
Hold that thought! You may call me crazy
I have been called worse,
People around me, dont understand me,
I am anxious just by existing,
I get over dramatic over sad ending movies
Like part of me would die, after crying too much
crying too much of tequila, yes non sense
But its all I have, my colorful dots, and cheers to that
I like them, they complete my lost voices
they sit between the edges of breaking down,
Where I lose control, especially when I am sober
No one understands me,
Even my body would shake shiver down my spine
and I would never know
the bruises that lived more than I remember
would shatter themselves to open and speak
but I would not notice, I do
But its how I roll,
Everyone understands me,
they would pick up signs to show me
my true self, but I would never digest the facts
Instead I would open my skull wide
and breathe everything that I own
to suffocate and shatter,
Its what I do the best
I shatter, and I love that about me,





 

Dear Best friend

Dear best friend,
You my darling deserve the world, yet I dont know why you dont see that, like I do
But I want you to know, that I also find myself doing that without knowing
You taught me what friendship is like, and for my entire childhood, I wouldn't have survived any without you by my side, you are a true inspiration.
I bet all of your adult friends and co works adore you just the way you are, with your amazing smile, and the talent and the creativity that you own. You are the person that someone can rely on, someone who cant live without. Yes, thats you
You are the one who lift everything up, including me <3
You might wonder why, because I remember when I needed you, you were there for me,
You caught me right, from the very start, like burning the carpet when were 5, like pulling each other hairs over soup letters when we were 8 or how when we used to play with dolls and you made it a happy ending when we were 9 or how I used to force you to play " Bait w bayout" so you wouldn't make me sad when we were 11 and all of the rest cute memories that we have spend together 
I love every time when you would listen or share a healthy tip about " eating healthy and diet"
I love your out of no where comments, I love your pink and light lipstick
I love how your always know what to do, or what to say or how to react
I love you for  being you, just you.
Dear best friend
For what its worth, you are my sister my beloved not related in one blood sister
We might be away, not living in the same country or work in the same company
but we get to see the sun rise, we get to see the sunset together, and forever

With love,
Your crazy, weird little sister <3
To Suhda Am Ali

I was only 17

I was only 17, I was fit and strong
You name it, until I had my first exposure with panic attacks
I remember allowing myself to give up
Dont blame me, it was too strong, that I 
 couldnt even think about one memory that I wanted to rewind
It made me see the light, that made my heart blind
Made my sight go deaf, till I knew I was alive
shocking news, It was only, an anxiety attack
Who knew they both have the same signs and
This was my first experience with anxiety
Ever since it got my full attention
we became friends
Years later, I diagnosed myself with depression
I remember saying this
“ Anxiety and depression often go together”
at least, thats what I read in books,
and ever since, we both became soulmates
we were friends, then fell in love and soulmates,
Me, and anxiety and depression 3 in 1
I was 20, when I lost my ability to feel
I clearly overdose it
I have an incredible large of emotions
I could not let myself starve from it
Anxiety made me feel, restlessness
shortness of breath, insomnia, I can go on and on about it
To be honest,instead of battling and fighting like everyone else
I embraced it, I let it in
Like we are one, which we are
I was 23, when I lost everything
that lived in me, and
for me that was more than okay to digest
I am grateful, I have two things
that never left my side
hold that thought
call me crazy,  Perhaps, I am
who knows?
I was 24, when I finally
Knew who I was
I am another depressive episode
who is hopeless, who suffers from mental illness
who have colours painted in my skin
Red, purple and blue
I am a piece of dim poetry
Where I leap in the days
So slowly, my heart would wonder
if my insides are like dying flowers
or a living ticking emotional bomb
Which I am,
I am a tasteless echo
that strikes down
I am 25 now,
Independent, outgoing, creative
Lovely, strong and smart
I have a beautiful body, amazing skin
I have a high IQ, I am doing such a great work
I am powerful, my own voice
I am my own hero
I achieved and reached, I worked hard
and ready to go on process
I am 25 now,
and meaningless,
Out of control
I can’t relax,
Messy,
not enough
bruised
senseless
weird
anxious
just by existing
I am
nothing.
that doesnt scare me, what scares me
is living.