I am not for everyone

I am not for everyone
I have episodes within me
That people wont be able to handle
I have thunderstorms
I turn down tables
I am a piece of art
the last sentence in a book
that breaks your heart
I am not for everyone
I have a kind of love
that will ooze you from the veins to mars
Till you are shocked up
with weirdness
I am not for everyone
but to anyone who is in pain
who aches for the sake of attention
like a surrender
I am not for everyone
I am a verse of poetry
the fire and ice
the freckles,
No, I am not for everyone
I have screams that shall bound
rooftops causing an earth quick
I own sun that does not bright
For that, I curl up
I am not for everyone,
I am a piece of dim poetry
endless love,
the untold story
the misery
I am not for everyone

I miss the feeling

I miss the feeling when the light
come across the trees and my body
and leaves.

I miss the feeling of someone's skin
on mine, the tenders
the happy end.

I miss the feeling whenever I decided
to share the power inside of me
to the world. The tickles

I miss the feeling of peacefulness
right before bed time.

I miss the feeling whenever I assume that
I know what are people thinking off,
when in fact I dont.

I miss the feeling when rain drops
dances on my stomach
reaching it to ache
so beautifully and slowly

I miss the feeling when he says
" I love you" without meaning it

I miss the feeling of happiness right after
I eat a bar of chocolate.

I miss the feeling of a feeling itself.

I miss the feeling of me being a home
but not a home itself

I miss the feeling of just igniting with the world
I miss the feeling of spaces between 
raindrops
 

I dont think about you, that often ( a piece full of lies)

Honestly, it doesn't matter
Its been already years since you have passed away
Especially the fact that people who are in my life have never met you
I dont think about you not all the time
I dont believe either that things would be different if you were here,
I dont believe that we could have ended getting married or naming
our kids Adam and Lilly the way we planned 
Or the fact that we both became doctors.
I dont think about you, or embrace if you were still alive, 
Instead, I like to push maybe burn all the good memories
So, I wont have to rewind them, and just let it go.
No, I dont use your phone number as my password 
or call maybe text or email you. 
I dont even remember your email address, naruoto123@hotmail.com
I cant even imagine if you were alive what would happen,
Are we still together or will I introduce you to my new love life
Would you share on how we met, or some of our insane memories 
It would be too awkward, no
I dont log in to MSN anymore,
I am trying to prevent having your name as a contact
Or listen to Ashlee sim-son songs and wonder what happened
No, I dont pass by the places we used to love, 
Or order the same exact milk shakes we adored
Especially on occasions related to love or even on your birthday
I dont remember you, you dont pop up,
You are not alive, I dont think of you in my prayers
or even after playing SIMS, or rolling with my skates
I dont think of you that much or at all,
Even after you passed and I have pushed people away,
I am already cold and pale, terrified
I dont care about you as much as you used to, 
I dont treasure you, not possible, no way!
Or miss you so much, my chest would ache
You are gone, away
Your existence is faded, you are not here
The smile of your stare brown eyes, is gone
I dont feel you, you are not watching closely over me,
You are gone, away
I dont like you, I love you like falling in love like I never stopped loving you part
I miss you like crazy, like someone missing someone 24/7 times
Like I still write letters, and poems about you
How can I even forget you? I cant, I dont want to
so, honestly
You matter the most, more than myself or anyone else
You are my first and only love,
you are the classic fairytale
the only end.
I still pray for you in my prayers,
Because no matter what happens
I still look up for you,
I still hope to get a reply on my emails from you
I still hope you would turn green on MSN
I still hope I might see you in the other 39 people
who looks exactly like you,
In order to make me alive
Honestly,
I died in the moment I got the news
I died in the moment your phone is disconnected
I died in the moment you are not home
I died in the moment I lost you.

Bullying ( Back in High School)

First punch,
I swallowed it,
Second slap,
I ate that, 
Pointing at my face,
I never saw it,
Mouth spit,
Back stabbing, 
You see how I look,
Believe me,
I look like a freak,
At least, 
That’s what they said,
I couldn’t do anything,
But believed,
Back in high school,
They used to get me,
All the time,
Words, actions,
Pointing, 
Rumors, 
It burned me, 
Like a fire, 
Burning my skin,
Back in high school,
I was their puppet,
Just like anxiety,
did,
They waited for me,
Around the corner,
With their gossip
that 
Felt like a razor,
Cutting me instead,
Ugly, fat, stupid
And a mess,
Thanks to them,
I lost myself,
With rejections, 
And their judgmental,
They, 
They,
Have won my weakness,
That led me, to hell
I have become nothing,
Thanks to them,
I grew up being worthless, 
Not enough,
Attacking my own breathe,
Sometimes, 
Cutting my own wrists, 
I kept on wishing,
If I told someone,
But I knew they would 
Pick on me, 
Even more, 
So I kept those times,
Where I felt like giving up
To my writings,
And now, 
Those writings, 
Are coming to an end,
Waiting for me to speak,
At least help,
But how can I talk,
See, 
Freak alien, 
Is my middle name,
So, I kept telling myself 
To shout the hell up,
Its better, 
To feel that way,
Than speak up,
Its not like my teachers
Would have stand up,
Or my parents would,
So I let those bruises, 
Kept me safe for a while,
Maybe I would forget,
Back stabbing,
Mouth spit,
Pointing at myself 
I never saw it,
Second Slap, 
I ate t,
First Punch 
I swallowed it 

Its 2:00 Am

Its two Am and this is how I feel,
Dizzy, after getting wasted
Trying to forget every promise you made,
Chocked up, from your words, 
Lies and beliefs
Addicted, to the drug you gave me,
To love you with every piece of I
Without noticing.

Its three AM and this is how I feel,
Ashamed, that I have loved you,
But you stopped loving me,
Ashamed, that I didn't realize it
Much sooner than ever,
Ashamed, that I gave you a chance,
Without asking my soul to,

Its three Am and this is how I feel,
Tired, from crying out
Until my nose closes and I cant breath no more..
Tired, from dialing your number,
and quickly hanging up the line,
Tired, from checking our pictures,
On the camera roll,

Its three and half Am and this is how I feel,
Ache, from my chest of my heart,
Since we broke up on my birthday,
Ache, because you shouted at my face,
So loudly that I began to eat myself up.

Its four Am and this is how I feel,
Bitter not better, for having too much of tequila 
Trying to get over you, 
Bitter, from tasting your lips on mine
Bitter, because I am wasted 
Alone in the balcony

Its Five am and this is how I feel,
Not good, but I will move my body,
Wash up my pale face,
Getting ready for work, 
Like nothing happened, 

Not good, But I will push anxiety away
Wear a smiling mask,
My high heels and make up on
and move on,

Its Six AM and this how I feel,
Wasted as ****, not good enough
Strong, powerful and super
Pale, beautiful, confident and nervous
I feel like a human, who feels too much
But strong enough, 

Its seven Am and this is how I feel,
POWERFUL!

This is Me,

This is me accepting the fact that you are leaving
With no kind of arguments or negotiations
Without tears or noises nor letters
Just like a resignation note to our relationship
This is me cracking slowly with what left of  me,
 No turn or do over, or one last night
This is me telling you " I love you"
and leaving quicker than turning on a light button
Its the last episode of " The bold" or " friend"
The heartache, the pain inside the chest
the inner lost, the last end
I must confess I wont lie and not wish to rewind things over
maybe change few actions or sayings
there will always be a part of me that wished if things werent like this
but this is me letting you go, hardly, slowly sadly
this is me missing you, when you are calling and I dont answer
where I would curl up in bed with a draft of my own writings
and enhance a razor into my skin to become a sculpture full of rainbows
and stories that will pour my heart out.
Its when I would look in the room we used to read books to each other
and not find you sitting there staring at the color of my eyes
This is me approving the fact
on erasing every single memory that ever happened
from the day I was born till the day I push you
This is me saying yes and cheers to a new change
This is me waving goodbye and letting you go
This is me grabbing my hand with its bruised veins
slowly demanding you to go, this is me lying to you
This is me lying with the feelings that I wont miss you
But, how can someone not miss themselves?
This is me letting myself go,
give up
this is me giving up
and feeling relief
this is me lying
this is me letting me go

   

Who am I

Didn't love myself enough,
To let you fall in, 
Am I a sinner?
Differently not a saint, 
Both cases, who am I?
To pretend, its okay.
Angels are from dust, 
Humans are crushed, 
In the other stories, 
I might be a hero,
But thought 
I feel like a zero
Who am I to pretend?
In the eyes of thee, 
I could be heaven, 
Perfection of  the infection, 
And in my inner skin, 
Maps to many hold sins, 
Who am I?
A name on a card
Maybe in myths perhaps,
And when I look
Deeply in the mirror
Who am I? I asked
Maybe nothing. 
Or might be everything
Wish upon a cry
Tears are diamond
But full of emotions
Didn't love myself enough
To let you fall in,
How can I blame you?
When I didn't love myself
Enough to let you in