I saw him today 31-8-017

I saw him today, after years and years of being over it.
I saw him. As if time never had passed,
my heart dropped for a second when his eyes laid on me,
I tried to breathe but I couldn't.
His eyes were my favorite thing about him,
and the way he used to look at me.
He was standing there giving the same exact look tell me,
how am I supposed to breathe?
After all this time and he still has the power leaving me speechless.
He is now walking towards me and all I can do is stare at him.
He is walking towards me and all I could think of how he smelled
so incredibly good, Because God, I had almost forgotten how precious he was.
And he said my name right there, on the same exact corner when we first met,
listening to the same old man playing the same sad jazz song, at the same time when its about to sunset, I felt it, all over again, the way my blood rushes like flash light over my veins, the way my heart races to the sound of his voice and how my heart felt restored every time I hear him talk. I wanted to say something I wanted to say lots of things but instead I stood there looking into his eyes and everything around seemed to vanish, time stopped and all I could think about was the fact that I was still madly in love with him and how I am dead and he is alive. How all the memories became nothing but pain in my heart.

For my daughter,

For my daughter,
Your going to be born in a community that will try to sew yours lips,
 they will try to tie into chains, and steal your voice away,
but your my babe, the fire of the flames, you roar widely,
never let anyone silence yourself. 
Your going to grow up surrounded by people
who will body shame you according to some ideas of perfectionism,
but no dear your body shape or the way you walk doesn't define beauty,
 whatever your body is, you are beautiful.
Beautiful doesn't have standards, you wear your comfort happiness and
roll yourself out, you can be whatever you want to be as long as you are you.
You will meet boys in the classroom, at work maybe outside or indoor
if they ever bully you or said something hurtful, 
you will act like your deaf and not listen and no my dear sweetie
 that doesn't mean that he likes you, no!
You raise your voice and attitude and show him how strong you are.
 Tell that boy to shut up and march.
I know young love is awesome, I have been there,
but focus on your education and if you turn out to be like me
loving pink Floyd you will totally adore the song " we dont need to education"
especially when your exams are coming up. But No!
I need you to understand education comes first
its the goal of anything, do it and then you can do whatever you want.
Babe girl, your going to be born in a community
 who does not support females, strong females I mean,
I need you to inspire everyone to stand for themselves,
I need you to be balance, to support, to motivate,
to touch the world with your magic
And know this: Nothing can ever stop you, not even me
Listen to your heart and demand love.
Show the world the power of you, the power of woman
Your not a girl, you are a voice a revolution
You are my babe girl
By Sally Bani Hani

This is how I feel

This is how I feel,
I am scared
If my mental illness 
Will make me unlovable
If depression 
might hold me so tight
I may forget how to breathe
and my anxiety
is becoming more chronic
The thoughts, I once had
are slowly dying
My body is beginning to slowly
Dim, dim in my sad poetry
as I begin to leap for the days
Where I start to give in, give up
This is how I feel,
Terrified, I might die alone
But I secretly know,
That I wont, I mean
I have insomnia, dolor
Within my bruised skin
Its like we are one,
I had past, in the past
Where they tried to let me go,
To let my inner soul experience
things differently, but I failed
and this is how I feel,
Chocked up, literary
I dont need someone to fix me,
I am no broken, I am a human
with emotional bombs
Even my therapy
couldn't handle seeing
the medication go away,
Like I am a waste, of time
This is how I feel
The need of being surrounded
with compassion and love
Someone who knows my flaws
Who memorized my scars, knows
How to calm me down,
when my mood swings pass by
Some to kiss me when anxiety
hold my breath away
Someone who loves the little things
Just like me, but I know
I know, its not easy
Who would want to give up their life
to be with someone like me,
I am impossible, the weird one
Its not even fair,
I cant let anyone fall for I
I will let them ache in places
they never felt before,
This is how I feel,
......................................
Nothing
By Sally Bani Hani

Plenty Rooms With Walls

There are plenty of rooms in my house, so many that I got exhausted counting after too many lost keys.
There would be days, where I would hear the doors tap, windows crack wild open, and every time I hear something, it makes my heart skip beat fast. 
Days where lights would turn on and off continuously like you are reminding me that you are here somehow, between the wind that are haunted in the house. 
Every time I go to the bath tub to wash away the memories that live in my skin, I can see you, standing in front of the mirror that you bought, for our anniversary and for that I dont dare to throw it and hide it in the basement. There are days where I look for you in your office, whenever I open the drawer and see your pills, I relive it a lot, the time where you had a panic attack, the time when you were diagnosed and our lifestyles changed into opposite of happiness, the times when the walls in the house felt every time you tore a part from the pain that lived within you.
Whenever I look at the wallpapers in the house, I feel like they are coming together so tight, so close that I cannot breathe, not anymore, it keep on reminding me of everything, when you had your last panic attack, and I couldn't be here, these wallpaper witnessed your soul demanding help, they have witnessed your pain coming out from your chest. They witnessed when your body slowly hit the floor after too many shots of tequila, when your body closed over itself, and I wasn't there to comfort you.
Ever since, I have been fallen, and drown, drown and fallen, it never ends, its consuming me in itself, and sometimes I am everything, everything and nothing, by myself in weakness.
Sometimes, when people come for a visit, I still call your name asking you to come down " Friends are here" Knowing they would whisper, reach to my shoulders ask me for some tea.
There are days, where I would sit looking at the photographs that are hanging on the walls, days where I would love to break the walls and escape in them. Disappear
It is lonely, living between the rooms, listening to your footsteps tapping from your office, dancing on Jazz music nights while sipping whiskey with two ice and a slice of lemon.
There are days, when I wake up frighten in the middle of night looking for your touches on my hand, sometimes seeing you from a very far angle coming home after work and meetings.
There are days, when I even try to forget that I live in the cemetery and you live between the walls with our kids. There are days, when I forget that I am dead and you are alive. By Sally Bani Hani

I am not a perfect friend

I know, I am not a perfect friend
You are broken heart,
I have tried to mend
Instead, I am made you hurt and cry
Perhaps, its time to say goodbye
Would it be better? For me to go
I have asked you, and you said no
Why say no? When I hurt you so bad
But believe me
You are not the only one, who is sad
I made my best friend hurt like mad
If I left, would you be glad?
Deep in my heart
I will always know, I shall love you
Even if I go!
I will love you till the end
I am not a perfect friend
By Sally Bani Hani

Everyone should love themselves right

I have fallen in love with the wrong one 
By accident, maybe on purpose 
Without knowing if she is right one 
if he had touched my inner soul or not yet
Maybe its when chasing cars was on the radio
or maybe when she baked extra cherries on the floor
Singing, trembling, crying
I have fallen in love without thinking
Without no fear, 
I didnt even take a step ahead 
For the first time, I 
abandoned all the rules of love
and felt so deeply to it
and I liked it
Its safe, safe 
I have no regrets, not a bit
Loving the wrong person
is okay, is good
In fact, its beautiful
You get your heart ached
In the small detailed shape
It makes you know who you are 
and embrace it 
I have fallen in love without analyzing the future
I stopped wondering and over thinking
or trying to figure anything out
If its fits then let it be
if it made me sorrow then let it be
If I got abused
like always, let it be 
I have fallen in love, 
with the flawless, whole self loving person
and I have let him, her in
I have let myself feel for the first time
without thinking, maybe it is a sin
and if our love was apart of manipulating 
and those damn expectation 
let it be, 
I have fallen in love, and yes
I have stop searching for the "one"
I have this now, because I am happy
endless pale voiceless 
because I feel something powerful
so sad, it make me want to burn it all,
Because, I know
I will never find real love like this
I wont be able to re feel this feeling
to let people in so fast
without thinking, 
I know, I shall learn and grow
faster, slowly so deeply
and I will discover 
if this was love, or not
its when I try, 
I have fallen in love with the wrong one
with the person who seems right
who took my heart
to the rhythm 
and tore it apart
I gave my heart freely
to someone with wrong intentions
who doesnt care
or value love itself
but in the end, i let it happen
the whole affection, desperation and 
loneliness 
I let it be, or become
I have fallen in love, with someone
who is me, when I look in the mirror
with someone who care widely
who is terrified genuinely
who's heart is madly emotional bomb
 Someone who likes the attention 
of getting bullied by the night
someone is not fully right
but I let it happen
I have fallen in love 
with the wrong person
and its beautiful
it could crash and burn
but its a soulmate
who dances and laugh
after all,
when my heart dies peacefully
it will rise again
it will shine
bright
colourful
ready to love
the wrong person

Everyone should love themselves right

My Emotional Infection

My emotional infection
punished me awfully, 
after we ended, 
I have spent days weakening, recovering
so hard, there were days, I didn't get out of bed
in the mornings, although I didn't even slept a second
The only friend who ever took me in the hands, was anxiety 
Anxiety punished me, it kept me in bed trembling 
It made me cry in the middle of the dawn, 
I feared my own individuality again, and
I spent hours going over the goodbye
those slaps that hit my heart, 
the emptiness that had hollowed out of my body. 
You abandoned me after years of love, 
When I needed you the most, 
We knew all the parts of each other skins,
The metaphors, the ode, and the narrative 
We kissed till the last war we had between us, 
Either ways you left, I left we became a disaster ever since
mentally, physically, what else?
Our bodies became messy and ugly
We couldn't stand ourselves in the mirror 
I have learned since the days I and you left each other
how to practice self care, but with anxiety here
I cant not even pull out myself
My mental illness convince me that I was the abuser here 
That you and I broke a part
for my violence behaviors against love 
Some time i accept the fact, it was my fault 
other days, I feel damaged goods, 
and other days I feel judged whenever
I pass by to our favorite coffee shop
As much as I want to give up, I rather blame me 
for you leaving us a part
At least it make sense to me, to everything else
Its been years now, I wont lie and say
I am completely healed, I am not
I might convinced myself that I forgotten 
All the love, the kisses and much more 
but anxiety hold me like a prisoner
so tightly to remind me, it was my fault
I have failed myself to keep us warm, 
To keep loving myself into you and vice versa
and honestly, I am starting to give up
How can someone abuse themselves widely
expecting forgiveness from them selves 
I wont say I will survive this, 
How can I? When you and I are one
When I will be wearing something nice 
I will look in the broken pale mirror and 
I shall see the pain, that I drew on our faces
I wont apologize to myself, 
I deserve anxiety for the way I treated me 
for the way I treated us, 
for the way I let you down

This piece was written from me 
to the younger version of myself.