I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline 2009

Our story was written
Too and hundred many times
Each time, I write something
Something new comes up
It feels like we are re living it again,
You lived hours away in an airplane
But our hearts, mind was here
was together,
I was almost sixteen
Sitting behind the screen I owe
Signing in, signing out
Looking at the hours,
times flies away,
But somehow, "Naruto 1234"
was never online,
Weeks passed by and I
I couldn't nudge you
You were offline,
and each time I sign in,
I look at your account,
and I feel sadness,
Heavy hardheartedness
But back then, I didnt have any clues
I didn't and everything
tasted so bitter afterwards,
Something was off,
I felt agonize and acheI couldn't nudge you
You were offline
months passed now,
My light screen mobile turned on
My best friend calling me
She was telling me
How she misses me
Her voice was pale
her face was voiceless
Something was offI couldn't nudge you
You were offline
Out of no where
she says " He says hi"
and my body turn on goosebumps
Till my tears hit the floor
and flashbacks, I was seeing flashbacks
Of us and I didnt know why
On how we met, how we kissed
How everything beautiful happened,
June 16th 2007 I remember
the day you told me " I love you"I couldn't nudge you
You were offline
But I didnt care of this non sense
Instead I kept waiting by the phone
I kept waiting your call
Like every single night
Summer and winter came to and end
Two times in a rowI couldn't nudge you
You were offline
Its been too many hundred years now
and no, I couldnt forget you
The first time we kissed
August 24th 2008I couldn't nudge you
You were offline
I am still waiting, by the phone
I still log in to my M.S.N
Am I that crazy?

I couldn't nudge you
You were offline
I still have those skating pairs
the one you gave me,
I still use your phone number
as a password of everything I haveI couldn't nudge you
You were offline
In the memory of young love
It was the last car ride you took,
the one you wanted to surprise me,
As a long distance relationship
the last thing, the time we talked
was 18th Sep 2009
You said " I love you"
and my heart literary stopped
since thenI couldn't nudge you
You were offline
My heart  died since thenI couldn't nudge you
You were offline I couldn't nudge you
You were offline I couldn't nudge you
You were offlineI couldn't nudge you
You were offline I couldn't nudge you
You were offline, I couldnt nudge you
You were offline.



21 Sep 2009
To M.Z
Young love

To #HAF

Lately, I have been patient 8
In the process 4
Of forgetting you but somehow
I couldnt, I kept
I kept on waiting, and waiting
Waiting for my heart
To finish breathing you out,
For my lungs,
To stop beating your name,
Somehow, I couldnt
I mean, How could I?
When the memories
Are raining down my throats
I have been trying,
To avoid all of the places
We ever went to
From my favorite coffee place
To brunch time, but somehow
I couldnt resist,
I couldnt even resist the idea
of seeing our eyes meet again,
Although a part of me,
Kept on giving me imaginary shots
of you, holding somebody's hand
Maybe pictures of kids, in your wallet
or a ring on your left hand
But instead, I am falling deeper
Deeper in the ocean of sorrow
With the memories
that we held so close and with
the memories that we didn't had yet
 and with the fact
that this, this is killing me
Especially lying to myself
About you, getting over you,
Its been months now,
and all I could think of
is our love,
the little details that we once had
and I am trying to delete it
But somehow I cant.
Instead I am cutting my own wrists,
and this is how
I begin writing,
Perhaps if one day I got famous
You will read what you did
You will see what we had
You will regret
Or call, dial my number
and call,
and if you are reading this now
know this,
I never gave up on you
You did


To #HAF

You are Worth More

I said, “Put down the phone, darling”
Put it down my dear darling,
Its alright, you are much worth than that,
If he or she, 
Hasn’t texted you back, 
In few hours, days or what so ever,
Its alright my dear darling,
Don’t sit lazy on the couch, 
Staring at your broken screen,
Waiting him to text you back,
Instead, 
Ignite the space in your heart, 
Go out and smell the air, 
Realize you are worth more, 
More than short late night calls,
Emoji instead of words,
More than Vague compliments 
And empty promises,
Its alright my dear darling, 
Remind yourself of things you like, 
How beautiful you are, 
Be loud, go and rest your stress out, 
Your marvelous, just go out,
Don’t waste your thoughts, 
Wondering, why isn’t he giving me time,
Or the love you deserve, 
Its alright my dear darling, 
Its alright, 
Don’t let his silly replies, 
Make your day happily ever after, 
I know that feeling, but
Don’t make it his call to make you smile,
Embrace your life, go out,
Make your magical moments happen,
With him texting you back,
Just remember you are worth more,
Than him texting you back the energy 
You needed, don’t!
I promise you, my dear darling,
Put yourself first!
He is not worth your time,
Yes dear darling, put yourself first,
Go out, and make things happen,
Because they make you dance 
With laughter and joy
I promise you my dear darling,
You are worth more, 
Just spend your time on someone, 
Who appreciate everything about you, 
Instead of making you wait, 
Hours, days maybe more,
I know its hard dear darling, 
I know its hurts too, 
But remember, 
You are worth more, 
Yes dear darling, you are worth more

Please

Let him live in your memories. 
Let yourself press repeat
every time it seems your life
is forming without any trace of him in it. 
Remind yourself
that at one point
he was a huge part of your life. 
Force yourself 
to replay the past on a constant loop. 
Let him live in your eyes. 
Make sure that every time
Someone who looks remotely like him
walks by that you always do a double take.
Make sure you search for him
in crowded rooms all of your old favorite places,
or even in new places that he never made his own. 
Let him live in your smile. 
Every time you find that you’re laughing
at something he didn’t say or a story
that he’s not part of, stop yourself. 
Stop yourself from enjoying this new life
you’re creating, and only smile 
when you remember him 
or someone brings up his name. 
Let him live in your heart. 
Allow him
to continue to hold all of the love 
you can muster because you did for so, 
so long. 
Allow the idea
that he might come back and
really love you be enough
to let him stay here. 
Let others visit every now 
and again but 
don’t you dare allow them
to bring boxes in. 
Anytime someone else seems to be getting close
to wanting to make a home in you, 
remind yourself 
that there is only room for one 
and you’ve made your choice.
Or you could let him go. 
In fact, 
ask him to leave. 
Pack up your memories 
and your backstories 
and put them away. 
Please, 
don’t let him take all the best parts of you. 
Take them back, 
Please, 
darling,
take them back.

You were Never mine

You were never mine, but we were close,
our words, embraces, the way we laughedwe were connected,
Maybe through time and place, maybe
Through the way we always knew
how to bring a smile to one another’s faces,
maybe Because nothing was ever said,
but the feelings. But the feelings were still there,
hiding, below the surface.
You were never mine, but
sometimes it surely felt like you were
It felt right when you would turn to me for advice
when we would stay up late
on the phone and I would giggle from too much wine
It felt right when I listened to you
share stories about your father, or your brother or 
the girl you used to love when you were younger
it felt right when you told me secrets
that no  one else knew about,
and when I made promises
but I failed to keep them. Maybe nothing was ever said
about ‘us,’ and what we were, but it was implicit. 
I would have fought for you.
 I would have died for you. 
I would have kissed you, if you let me.
You were never mine, but I have loved you.
 I loved you fiercely, on your hardest days. 
I loved you deeply, when you rested your tired head on my shoulder. 
I loved you patiently, as I watched you
chase after women who would never give you their full hearts.
I loved you from a distance,
as you fell for someone who wasn’t me, someone else
And maybe at the time it didn’t hurt.
There was something unspoken between us, 
 Some dividing line that we didn’t cross
because we were never each other’s to have,
to hold, to keep to everything
I didn’t mind it then, loving you from afar,
being your support, your confidant, your buddy, your friend.
I didn’t want more because, I felt like I already held all the parts
of you safe in my chest. It wasn’t until distance came between us,
that I, realized how hard it is to miss something that was
That was never yours to miss.
You were never mine, but I still miss
the way you’d close your eyes 
when you were stressed and lean
your head back to face the ceiling
I still miss the way you’d laugh
 at the stupidest pictures on the Internet and
send them to me,
 even though you’d see me just a few hours later.
I still miss the way you’d confide in me,
the way you’d tell me about her, 
the way you’d lean on me for advice
and comfort and laughter.
Because it was always so easy between us
I still miss the way
I felt like I was yours,
even though I never was.
You were never mine,
but I still miss you.
Every single day
I was never yours,
but sometimes I wonder
if you ache for me, too

I have been Shot

I have been shot
Two and many times
At the back of my neck
Where the pressure kills
Where dolor spread it wings
and I
Would be just laying
On the floor acting dead
But I have got shot
How am I acting

I have been stabbed
Hundred and more times
Inside my inner chest
Where despondency made me quietSilent and I couldnt move
But how could I
I was stabbed
Two and many times

I have been kidnapped
Million and more times
Each time differently
One where I ran away, and
Thousands where I stood still
Wanting to be gone
But how would I be still
When I am kidnapped

I have been killed
Three and many times
Through my soul
Where I faked my own blood
Made me it crystal clear
But how could it be possible
When I got killed
How can someone fake
His own blood
After death or before death

I have been raped
Once when I was born
A kid, and a teen
and each and everyday
By words, guns, wars
By my parents, lovers and boys
By strangers, and myself
But how can someone
rape themselves,
I have been raped
Where I coloured my skin
In bruises to remind myself,
with pain and depression

I have been losing,
Losing my body
My mind
myself
Too and hundred and million of times
I have lost myself
In an art form
In a sculpture lesson
In a car crash
In the bottom
In everything
but myself

I have been shot
Tick, tick tock!

 

Sick and Tired

Sick and tired
dying on my body
Sitting here waiting
Tracing all of my flash lights
Cause my heart
got enough
From the beginning
I am so tired
Dont ask me, " To be Patient"
I already had enough
Shots,
So just let me give up,
Let me go,
Dont tell me, " This isnt good for me"
I dont want to know
not anymore
at least,
I am sick and tired
from this lame life
I am sorry
But I am dying from the rush
Dying from your touch
I dont want this
I am so tired
All over again, all over again
Deep in my skin,
Waiting, sitting waiting
I dont want to apologize
But I am so sorry
I am sick and tired
I am sorry

Wish I

I don't want to tell him,
Dont want him to know, 
My love for he, 
Can't seem to go. 
Want to be with he, 
And, I know I shouldn't, 
How I long for his kiss,
So do his touch. 
Still feels his love, 
Through his eyes.
But afraid to all, 
To be replaced, 
As I lay awake, 
In my dreams, 
See his face, 
As it steal away, 
My breathe! And 
I Dont have the strength, 
It hurt to be too far,
How everything,
Everything! Reminds me of he, 
In the blue skies.
Streets we walk by,
Expect for myself
That's why I weep,
Inside my broken heart,
Wish I didn't love he,
Wish I could die,
But till then
I shall remain silent
I shall be quite. 
Till the day, 
I commit suicide.

Red Dress

Red dress, she light a cigarette 
Jazz music is on tonight
People coming, and leaving
Some flirt, some don’t,
Red dress, she sip white wine,
Maybe few too much tequila shots
Who cares, 
Its Jazz music tonight
Black suit tie, perfect cologne
His fingers, wrapped on her neck,
So gently, she moans
Who cares,
Order too many cocktails,
So her senses, 
Would be awaken, 
He bites her lips, too hard
She, even forgot
What it feels, to be touched
Music, music blows her hair
Like it’s dancing on the aisle
That aisle is her skin,
Red dress, sits near the bar,
People stare, people stare
Who cares 
Its jazz night tonight
It’s the only time,
Where her souls reflect
His fingers, on her body,
She moans, yet
Its jazz night
Who cares? But herself