Who am I? 30 edition

I was only 17, I was fit and strong
you name it.
Until I had my first exposure 
with panic attack,
I remember allowing myself to give up 
Don't blame me,
it was too strong that I took it in
It made me see the light,
that made my heart go blind
my sight go deaf,
till I knew I was alive! Shocking news
It was only an anxiety attack.
I mean who knew?
Both have the same signs

Ever since it got my full attention 
we became friends, and yet even my close friends
never contested the times when I expectedly
excuse myself in the bathroom
for at least 5 minutes
until my anxiety strikes calmed down.
No one ever knew sadly, 
Anxiety made me feel like I had
no one left to count on,
except for the faceless,
black pit inside of me.
And for some reason,
I embraced it.
I let it take over me.
Sometimes
I even feel relieved
that I have a companion. 
Years later,
I diagnosed myself with depression
I remember saying
"Anxiety and depression often go together”
Ever since we became soulmates 
Me, anxiety and depression 3 in 1
For a while depression grew old in me, 
I let it control me.
Despondency never judged me. 
Desolation never forgot about me
like the others did.
Depression knew the real me. 

I was 20,
when I lost my ability to feel
I clearly overdose it
I even started my childhood habit, 
shivering, nails biting and more 
I have an incredible large of emotions
I could not let myself starve from it
Anxiety made me feel restlessness
shortness of breath, insomnia,
I can go on and on about it
To be honest
instead of battling and fighting
like everyone else
I embraced it, I let it in
Like we are one, which we are

I was 23, 

when I lost everything
that ever lived in me,
and for me
that was more than okay to digest
I am grateful,
I have two things
that never left my side
hold that thought
call me crazy, 
Perhaps, I am
who knows?

I was 24,
when I finally
Knew who I was
Another depressive episode
who is hopeless,
who suffers from mental illness
who have colours painted in my skin
Red, purple and blue
I am a piece of dim poetry
Where I leap in the days
So slowly, my heart would wonder
if my insides are like dying flowers
or a living ticking emotional bomb
Which I am,
I am a tasteless echo
that strikes down

I am 25 now,
Independent, outgoing, creative
Lovely, strong and smart
I have a beautiful body, amazing skin
I have a high IQ,
I am doing such a great work
I am powerful, my own voice
I am my own hero
I achieved and reached, I
 worked hard
and ready to go on process

I am 30 now,
meaningless,
Out of control
I can’t relax,
Messy,
not enough
bruised
senseless
weird
anxious
just by existing
I am
nothing.
that doesn't scare me,
what scares me
is living.

I am a crowded place 
Alone with my aches
The unwanted piece 
The last punch of the abuse 
The 3 am quotes, 
The one who weep poetry 
I am agonize!
Mentally gone with the wind 
I am a broken window

Attractive but destructive on valentine day,

I am a gunshot, shooting my individuality,

I am a piece of awkward sadness,

I am that last sip of tea,

The ending of love, heart gripping poetry

Last of everything and Last of myself,

I am so broken,

yet so beautiful in my brokenness,

I am me