My essence

 My spirit refuses to be loved.

I'd had enough by the time it became dark.

As a long distance lover,
Like a childhood
traumatic event,
Instead, I'd like to be
loved tonight.
As if we were a song.
On the airwaves
The bittersweet flavor
like a tattoo on your arm.
On a broken sadness bottle
that fell to the ground,

My spirit refuses
to be loved.
I had had enough
of going around
in circles when the night
is young.
Instead,
I'd like to be loved tonight.
Like the tales you spin,
Before going to bed,
the warriors
Before being kissed,
like the lips,
Tonight,
I command love with
touching melodies.

I command love, 
limit less
The colourful metaphors
the misfits 
I demand talks,
not physically, 
I command beauty
selfless 
I command love
With no tears
without any fears
I ask for freedom
The canto's
For poetry,
insanity,
I command love

Who am I? 30 edition

I was only 17, I was fit and strong
you name it.
Until I had my first exposure 
with panic attack,
I remember allowing myself to give up 
Don't blame me,
it was too strong that I took it in
It made me see the light,
that made my heart go blind
my sight go deaf,
till I knew I was alive! Shocking news
It was only an anxiety attack.
I mean who knew?
Both have the same signs

Ever since it got my full attention 
we became friends, and yet even my close friends
never contested the times when I expectedly
excuse myself in the bathroom
for at least 5 minutes
until my anxiety strikes calmed down.
No one ever knew sadly, 
Anxiety made me feel like I had
no one left to count on,
except for the faceless,
black pit inside of me.
And for some reason,
I embraced it.
I let it take over me.
Sometimes
I even feel relieved
that I have a companion. 
Years later,
I diagnosed myself with depression
I remember saying
"Anxiety and depression often go together”
Ever since we became soulmates 
Me, anxiety and depression 3 in 1
For a while depression grew old in me, 
I let it control me.
Despondency never judged me. 
Desolation never forgot about me
like the others did.
Depression knew the real me. 

I was 20,
when I lost my ability to feel
I clearly overdose it
I even started my childhood habit, 
shivering, nails biting and more 
I have an incredible large of emotions
I could not let myself starve from it
Anxiety made me feel restlessness
shortness of breath, insomnia,
I can go on and on about it
To be honest
instead of battling and fighting
like everyone else
I embraced it, I let it in
Like we are one, which we are

I was 23, 

when I lost everything
that ever lived in me,
and for me
that was more than okay to digest
I am grateful,
I have two things
that never left my side
hold that thought
call me crazy, 
Perhaps, I am
who knows?

I was 24,
when I finally
Knew who I was
Another depressive episode
who is hopeless,
who suffers from mental illness
who have colours painted in my skin
Red, purple and blue
I am a piece of dim poetry
Where I leap in the days
So slowly, my heart would wonder
if my insides are like dying flowers
or a living ticking emotional bomb
Which I am,
I am a tasteless echo
that strikes down

I am 25 now,
Independent, outgoing, creative
Lovely, strong and smart
I have a beautiful body, amazing skin
I have a high IQ,
I am doing such a great work
I am powerful, my own voice
I am my own hero
I achieved and reached, I
 worked hard
and ready to go on process

I am 30 now,
meaningless,
Out of control
I can’t relax,
Messy,
not enough
bruised
senseless
weird
anxious
just by existing
I am
nothing.
that doesn't scare me,
what scares me
is living.

I am a crowded place 
Alone with my aches
The unwanted piece 
The last punch of the abuse 
The 3 am quotes, 
The one who weep poetry 
I am agonize!
Mentally gone with the wind 
I am a broken window

Attractive but destructive on valentine day,

I am a gunshot, shooting my individuality,

I am a piece of awkward sadness,

I am that last sip of tea,

The ending of love, heart gripping poetry

Last of everything and Last of myself,

I am so broken,

yet so beautiful in my brokenness,

I am me

I suffer from anxiety, yet I am a strong woman!

 Anxiety is a constant battle for me.
It does not imply that I am incapable.
There are days
when I can't get out of bed,
but I force myself to.
When my body chooses not to listen
to the voice inside of me,
I proclaim myself to be deaf.

The best thing about having anxiety
It's when people assume
That I am shaking at parties.
But all I'm doing is shivering.

I have anxiety and I am good with it.
Simple things might easily distract me,
such as how people stare at me
when I stutter or how I get bullied,
but I refuse to let it rule me.
Instead,
I command myself to be more positive,
as if I were a very motivated person,
which I am not!

I suffer from anxiety,
but I manage it
by pushing myself out
of my comfort zone on occasion.
To be on the verge of something
I'm on the verge of glory,
yet I'm still striving.

To be honest,
I am really smitten by my setbacks.
It's the only thing that keeps me on track.
I have anxiety, and I adore it!
(sarcastically speaking)
Lead me to the light!
It's the only thing keeping me alive.

You broke me

You shattered me like a stranger.
You broke me, 
as if I were your enemy, 
and even haters
don't deserve to be 
abandoned like that.

I loved you in the pouring rain,
but you broke me,
like all we had and everything 
was just a fantasy.

You left me with blue scars,
muddled colors, and nothingness.
All of my faith faded away.

You broke me,
and I have no idea now
how to mend myself?

Too many sleep nights
Yet I feel so numb
You made me grew my flaws
with anger with your distant destination. 

I hope you never lose faith in love.

I wish you never abandon
your believe in love.
I hope you fight for love even
when your heart is broken,
your trust is wrecked,
and you have a sadness that pours
into your blood and settles inside your bones.
Being open to embracing love.
To maintain one's faith in love.
I understand how difficult it is.

I know it's easier to convince 
yourself that love isn't for you,
that it's only for teenage fantasies.
I understand how easy it is to believe
the myth that you are unlovable,
that you are intrinsically flawed,
and that you are better off alone.

I understand. I promise
But I hope you fight the impulse to cling
on to those lies and instead recognize
that you are worthy of love and
that love is intended for you as well.
Yes, you as well.

So, remember to believe in love.
Believe in the thing that sets your spirit fire,
that makes your heart race and feel like
it can't remain within your body.
Believe in the goodness
makes you feel like you are 
standing in the sun on a hot summer day.

I hope you keep believing in the personal scenes
that can only exist between two persons.
Silence that is soothing rather than frightening.
A deep awareness of the light and sorrow
that exists within the heart of another person.
Tangled arms, tangled words, and
a feeling of connection that even the
dictionary has yet to completely define.

I hope you never lose faith in the power
of opening your heart to another person 
and in the beauty that comes from your
relationship and togetherness.
It's the kind of enchantment that can shift
mountains and convince you that anything is possible.

I pray you never lose faith in love,

because love will never lose faith in you.

If you ever feel lost, remember that you have the ability to create a home within your own heart.

In a temporary world,
we are never meant to find 
a permanent home.

Other people were never
supposed to love you
into a sense of security.

The truth is that you have come
to establish a home for yourself
within your own heart.

You have come to discover 
not that you don't require connection,
but that nothing else is possible
unless you are connected to yourself. 

You have come to discover 
the confidence to build your own life,
not to bury yourself in someone else's.

You are your own 
personal space.

You are the one
you have been looking for.

You are your life's love and
the protagonist of this tale.

Peace can be found in your chest.
Love is found in your heart.
Inspiration can be found in your mind.

People who accompany you on your path
should never be taken for granted, and they
should never be used for
your own emotional work.

Because the truth is that
no one else's responsibility
it is to make us feel safe,
that everything is in order.

You will never be at peace
with the world until you are
at peace with yourself.

This is because you will be always
expecting things to be different than they are,
constantly expecting people
to live up to your expectations,
and continuously weaving
around your anxieties.

Instead, you must understand that home
is a state of being rather than a notion or a location.

It's a way of approaching life and
making it your own.

It's a method of finding solace in the outlines
of who you are now,
rather than who you might
become in the future.

It's the way you look
for presence in everything, 
realizing that nothing
is supposed to be flawless,
but that everything is a new experience
you have never had before 
and may never have again.

We have come to recognize
that we are the source
of our own existence,
of everything we make,
of everything we are.

We are our home 

When you stop looking for love

 When you stop searching for love, 
It shall finds you sooner than you think

It will find you when you are least expecting it.
It will come to you when life feels like it has finally come together and
"love" is just an unnoticed piece of the puzzle.

When you're looking for love, 
you're telling the universe that you are discontent
with what has  already given you.

You are saying that you don't have something by wanting it so passionately

You will attract the fact that you don't have the thing,
the sensation, or the person you want if you focus on what you don't have.