For the my young love, this is for you

On the 15th of August 2004, 
I saw you at the skate park,
were you and some friends
were bragging on how good you were.
I still remember the first time
you looked at me, 
My stomach twirled at me,
You used to follow me everywhere
trying to talk to me while
I was with my best friend,
You asked me " what is your name"
At ADNOC gas station near
family park, AbuDhabi
I used to come
every weekend to the park,
just so I can see you, back then
you were the reason of my happiness.
I introduced you to my best friend
and you did the opposite
and ever since
We were attachable, an infinite 
I still remember our first day,
you took my hand and
said how beautiful I looked,
but back then even butterflies
felt so shy instead of I
Your imperfections are my
true first young love.
I used to put your
song list on my CD player,
because I wanted to impress you
back then. 


On the 21th of July 2005,
It took you forever to say
“I love you”
and I couldn’t be any happier 
I felt the the definition of love
holding hands under the rain,
but it rarely did rain.
You used to wear braces,
just like I and
Every weekend
we used to decide on which colour
Do we pick, so we can match,
God! We were so innocent
I still have our love letters,
and your voice,
or the time where you
would come to my school
just to see me for a  minute,
cause you cant wait
for the weekend part
coming to my hood so you can see
how I looked in the morning before
going to educate myself.

On the 11th of November 2005,
When my parents decided
we should leave the country
and go far,
I thought of all the jokes and
just laid down,
I pretended that I was deaf ,
But I failed with high expectation, and
I grew myself with denials
" Its all a dream"
On the 2nd of Feb 2006, 
He asked me he could
 meet my parents
Maybe he can convince then,
So, months later after
packing the memories
I had at the small apartment
 in Iskteqalal street,
It was the day where
I was heading to hell!
At a young age, I was 15
The only time we ever communicated
was either MSN or IMVU
( naruto92@hotmail.com)
Trust me that address doesn’t work no more.

On the 12th of June 2006
The boxes in our house were gone,
You can hear a pin drop and
 I looked into my room,
Paint became bright white.
So empty and cruel,
My friends were down stairs,
I can see waterfalls streaming
 down their faces 
He was there standing on the stairs,
with my love letter as he kept it
safe and sound.
till the days have passed.
On the 20th of July 2006, 
The unpacking was done,
New word was added on the dictionary 
Running down to the first computer I had,
Installing MSN, so I can talk to him,
So I can embrace the missing part 
and we did, like we never left scene
We kept talking and nudging each other 

On 25th of Dec 2008It was my birthday,
and what have I received?
Is bullying from my classmates
Who would want a new kid?
But I would have no sadness,
I got my first young love by my side!
.
On the 17th of September 2009, 
Last week, he called and
said how much he misses me,
How he wanted to meet up fast,
But how so?
When we are 2,772.6 km
by an airplane.
So, yes we had our first ever fight,
kind a relationship type
But he never knew,
how much I long for us to meet
Dare each other,
who can skate faster
or jump higher?
It was my last year of education, 
Your phone was off,
why was your phone off?
I nudged you hundred of times,
but you were offline!
I called "3191979" million of seconds, 
I had my first exposure with ache back then

On 12th Nov 2009
I got a phone call from my best friend 
saying " He, wanted to surprise you"
But sometimes faith doesnt like us 
I could notice the shivers on her body
But I made myself clear,
that everything is fine
She said " Cars!
the 4 wheels object are so dangerous"
Why would anyone even drive them?
She said " I mean, its nice to have one,
but why? " Life is so much out there,
why would anyone want to do it"
So, I cried! I did but I didnt know why,
so I cried myself out 
She said " He couldnt make it"
The wheel flipped"
He didnt make it 

He didnt make it! He didnt make it
He didnt make it, he didnt make it

Ever since, something changed within me
Like my inner voice died, somehow 
Having a heartbreak on the age of 17
is more painful than anything on earth
He didnt make it! He didnt

Its been exactly 2920 days since the earth
Has lost one of her angels,
Its been 8 summers already! 
In the memory of young love,
It was the last car ride you took,
The one you wanted to surprise me
As a long distance relationship,
The last thing you said to me,
You loved me for the way I smiled,
And I blushed, but you didn’t see,

He didnt make it! He died
He didnt make it! He died

Letter 81

Letter 81
I wrote a thousand letters, confessing perhaps, things might be fixed
Letter 81 
I hang every piece in me on the walls of shame
like the taste of a razor on my skin
Very noticeable and pretty
I run away from reality, like teardrops dance
on my body beautifully
My body shows strength 
I don’t break in pieces, I am no agonize 
I am myself in misery
I am a push and pull theme
I let you in on the surface of my pale face
But I wouldn’t dare to let you 
in my unrealistic scenarios
that lives in my head 
So, you would never explode
with emotions that lives in me 
I personally adore parties
Its where I escape 
on songs that makes me shivers
I am the empower
the shooting my individuality part
My weakness are movies
They affect me 
like turning my soul
in wonders and collapse
I enjoy life 
on heartbroken souls
Breakups and losing 
I don’t dare to sleep
I don’t want to miss my body
dying on the surface with dolor
on the other side screaming for help
Letter 81
I am happy that way, I no longer 
dare to change myself

I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline

Our story was written too many times,
Each time, I remember something new,
It’s felt like, our eyes were re living it 
You lived hours away in an airplane
But our hearts, were always together,
I was almost sixteen of age,
Sitting on the screen I owe,
Signing in and Signing out, 
But Somehow “Naruto 1234”
was never online, though
Weeks passed and I couldn’t nudge you,
I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline
Though I could feel sadness in my heart, 
But I didn’t have any clue back then,
Though I tasted bitter, something wasn’t right
I felt agonize and ache, 
You were offline! I couldn’t nudge you
my phone screen lighted up
my best friend is calling me, 
School marks highlighted my sky
But something was up
my best friend voice was an echo
A sad, irritating echo,
I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline
My dreams were black, 
It felt like I was blind somehow
And with no any kind of warning
She said “ He says hi” 
As my body was on Goosebumps
My tears were falling like a waterfall,
And all those memories that we ever had,
Was in my head! I am re living it 
I remember, I remember the first we met, 
June 16th 2007! I remember
Your dark brown eyes looked at mine
I felt H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S literary
The time you told me “I love you”
I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline
Days passed, even winter came and left
And all I kept doing was waiting
Waiting for you to call me back
Like every single night,
Summer came also and everything was green
I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline
Its been too many years, 
Somehow I honestly couldn’t forget you,
The first time we kissed 
August 24th 2008 
I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline
Again, it’s been too many years,
And I am still waiting, perhaps hoping
You would call back,
I still log in to my M.S.N
Am I that crazy?
You were gone so quickly
I even forget how to breathe,
I still have those skating pairs 
The one you gave me, 
I still use your phone number,
As a password of everything I own,
I couldn’t nudge you, you were offline,
In the memory of young love,
It was the last car ride you took,
The one you wanted to surprise me,
As a long distance relationship
The last thing, the last time we talked,
Was 18th Sep 2009 
You said “ I love you” 
And literary my heart stopped
Since then, 
My heart literary stopped,
It stopped

Do not Fall for I

Do not fall for I, 
For my insides are like dying flowers,
I am broken and what left in me, 
Is my darkness of the night?
Do not fall for I, 
Because my loneliness, 
Will make you ache in places, 
You never felt it before, 
And my damaged reflections, 
Will burn holes in your face,
Do not fall for I,
As my mind is a haunted place, 
It screams and kill, it does not relent
Do not fall for I,
Because instead of giving you freedom,
I will lock you inside the gates of my sorrow
There would be nothing left,
Do not fall for I,
My love for you cannot be true,
It would be cursed, of all the things, 
You ever hated before, 
I will be more powerful than a poisonous snake,
Do not fall for I,
I cannot even bare to look at my face,
So how could you do?
Even understand the mess of my heart,
Do not fall for I,
I am not an easy person, 
I will always find excuses and push you,
Even when my body is safe next to you,
Do not fall for I, 
I can’t be your motivation, when you’re tired, 
Instead I might kill your creativity, 
And bury it in me,
Do not fall for I, do you understand me?
Because simply, I am not enough,
If you haven’t notice yet, 
I was never that, I shall never be that, 
So do not fall for I, 
I assure you, your life would be hell,
Not even close to happy endings, 
Not sure of anything at all,
So do not fall for I, 
I am not enough, for even one chance, 
Of anything that grabs happiness in one sentence 
I am not enough, 
Do not fall for I, I command you, do not

You are Worth More

I said, “Put down the phone, darling”
Put it down my dear darling,
Its alright, you are much worth than that,
If he or she, 
Hasn’t texted you back, 
In few hours, days or what so ever,
Its alright my dear darling,
Don’t sit lazy on the couch, 
Staring at your broken screen,
Waiting him to text you back,
Instead, 
Ignite the space in your heart, 
Go out and smell the air, 
Realize you are worth more, 
More than short late night calls,
Emoji instead of words,
More than Vague compliments 
And empty promises,
Its alright my dear darling, 
Remind yourself of things you like, 
How beautiful you are, 
Be loud, go and rest your stress out, 
Your marvelous, just go out,
Don’t waste your thoughts, 
Wondering, why isn’t he giving me time,
Or the love you deserve, 
Its alright my dear darling, 
Its alright, 
Don’t let his silly replies, 
Make your day happily ever after, 
I know that feeling, but
Don’t make it his call to make you smile,
Embrace your life, go out,
Make your magical moments happen,
With him texting you back,
Just remember you are worth more,
Than him texting you back the energy 
You needed, don’t!
I promise you, my dear darling,
Put yourself first!
He is not worth your time,
Yes dear darling, put yourself first,
Go out, and make things happen,
Because they make you dance 
With laughter and joy
I promise you my dear darling,
You are worth more, 
Just spend your time on someone, 
Who appreciate everything about you, 
Instead of making you wait, 
Hours, days maybe more,
I know its hard dear darling, 
I know its hurts too, 
But remember, 
You are worth more, 
Yes dear darling, you are worth more

My Dim Poetry

I love how you came into my life, 
Just like the ingredients mend,
Through jazz music and late nights, 
Cigarettes, collecting empty beer bottles,
I love how you make my heart bumps,
Whenever I get addicted to blue cheese
Taste so bitter, but pretty too,
I like how you give me the chills,
Every time your lips touches mine,
I could literary ignite my lights out,
So beautifully, and perfectly, 
You, would never imagine it, 
I like how you look at me,
Whenever I write dim poetry,
Full of sorrow more into love, 
And you, would never judge
My inner sins, nor 
My pretty white skin
I like every time I catch you singing
To music that gives Goosebumps
Instead of waterfalls, down to our faces
I could be a writer, one day
To inspire others, as they say,
But I would rather sleep naked,
Not in a sexy way, but to be myself
In this warm view, where your eyes
Is all I can see, maybe think off,
I could be a dancer, 
If you just let me one, 
Or a summer night singer, 
Where one day, I can change the industry,
But, You would rather see me cooking,
Not a beautiful lady wearing a red dress,
Up in the night, dancing in the room
I liked every detail about your soul,
Very deep, inspirational but sad
Heart is breaking so slowly
You never noticed your creativity 
Swinging in the ashes,
I liked how God created me, 
Made me live in this earth,
That now we are killing it,
I like how God, is giving me a reason,
But I don’t want no reasons,
I want touches, on my body
Till I shiver at night, 
Where I needed it to feel
I could be something big,
If I want that, 
But I don’t, I don’t want that
I want my dim poetry 
To be read at night, 
Where young teenagers, 
Could cry to a million stars,
Makes them wonder, 
“Not Enough”
Yes, 
I want my dim poetry 
To be written on the walls,
Of your cruel hearts, tonight
To be everywhere in the world,
But not to feed your soul,
Yes, 
I want my dim poetry
To feed my own individuality,
Cause I am a sinner, 
Who drinks at night, 
Shivers at daylight, 
Yes, yes, yes

Sep 17th 2001

For many years. I forced my body,
and forbidden my mouth
not to speak about it. But it have been killing me.
Tearing me up. Physically, mentally and emotionally
It never stopped! This feeling, hiding behind my head
Unable to tell anyone, afraid to end up dead
This feeling, where looking at the mirror, means
I am not myself. You’re not yourself
September 17th Two thousand 1, as a little girl
who kept her dreams up “Respect me, Respect me I said”
After school, waiting for my mama to pick me up
She always forget me, So, I used to sit in the road,
Playing with some sand, with a friend of mine, Called R
Hours passed by, as the sun started to leave,
I could feel someone breath, at the back of my neck
His hands slowly touched my body
demanding goosebumps
Attacking my childhood without permission and destroyed it,
Sooner R came by, she screamed till her voice went wild
He soon ran away, but still lives in myselfMy mama came, when its too late. R told my mama
That I was hurt, but mama never knew. She never knew, 
How her only child got hurt, its been too many years now,
But somehow, I have lost myself and ever since
Whenever I look at the mirror, I have no confidence,
Nothing to hold on, R was the only one who ever knew
She was my only friend. and ever since
I am only the girl who killed herself
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