another depressive episode

I think i am going through
Why this is so hard,
I am not doing great,
I think I am having
God,
I am going through
another depressive episode
Nothing is happened
I dont know why am I crying
I am fine,
Just out of love
I am not sad
noting in my life has happened
to me to be sad
My life is good
nothing is bad
I am okay,
I am having this feeling
because I was depressed
now, I am fine
My memories are not coming back
nothing can come back
I dont feel good about myself
I am not confident
I dont want to live
Sorry,
I am always low about myself
but
this is how I feel
I am always emotional
and I dont know why
Is it because of the last episode of the bold type
but I am happy
Super, happy
full of butterflies and coffee
But I am giving up now
I am thinking, i am going through
a heart break
as much as that is incredibly flattering and
thank you for feeling that way,
like, I am no role model
or inspirational
Uhm
I cant help in my brain and read that
and feel pressure
I hear this and i cry
I cant be that perfect
I am going though down here
and I feel like I can live it up like that
This is not me
I am not great and it sucks
Uhm
I hate that i cry all of the time
crying all the time
but this is the reality of  having a mental issue
I dont know what to say
this is how I feel right now
and i dont feel good
i wanna hide
i wanna stay in bed all day
and hide
from the world
its like, this feeling
its a
its like this
sinking feeling inside
my pain cant even fit my body
this feeling eats me away
making me so small
and now
I am this
nothing
I need help
or I will
do it again,
like many times before
Hurt myself again today
and the worst part
I am happy this way
I think,
I have no friends
no one to hold
but razors
I am falling,
I am small
In need
help,
I
I am going through
Uhm
just
going though
a
heart break
but
I
will
Uhm
be
Uhm
happy

The scariest thing about love

The scariest thing about love, 

Is that you might never remember it,
Like it never happened

But somehow lives in that brain of yours
There might be unconscious memories inside
and one moment, one exact shot
Might makes you feel things, like ache
but you dont know why
My brain has always been weird
and my personality has always dutifully
followed in its path
One night, I dress up all happy 

with shots in my hand
another nights, I scroll down the camera
and cry on pink Floyd songs
The scariest thing about love,
Is once upon time
Once upon time, feels the tense sadness
Pain did not even fit my body
It felt like someone was living in me
I could listen to someone chit chatting
and, its not even me

its disturbing enough 

Once upon time,
I remember, I was laying
my lips were wide open
I could listen to someone talk
My lips were moving crazy
saying " Rest in peace"
" Rest in peace!"
only that in an adult woman's  voice
I felt like resting the unlimited limited resting
asleep
Pain did not even fit my body
I told that to my psychiatrist
He started into the pit of my soul and said
" Were you drunk? High?"
I knew, he wont even understand
I dont even understand
The scariest thing about love
is loving your own self

I will choose you

I will choose you, on the days when you are tired
On the days when lifting your head exhaust you
On the morning, when moaning sickness you
I will choose you, like I drink my coffee

daily in the mornings, daily in the night
I will still choose you
I shall wrap my arms around you

pray for you within my prayers
Leaning my body against yours
willing to love you
with all of my broken pieces
When even smiling makes you uncomfort
I will put my lips on yours
for hours till you sleep heavenly
I will choose you on the days
you do not choose yourself
on the day you give up
on the day
you choose not to wake up
I will choose you
on your darkest days,
still, i will choose you

4 in the morning

Its 4 in the morning sharp as steady as my heart goes
My phone decided to dance vibrating 
On the tone of chasing cars by Snow Patrol
as my heart slowly detached from itself
leading burns in my throat
I cursed myself,
For letting my phone get it freedom on dancing
Its not because it decided to wake me up
I never sleep, and when I do,
I would be totally drunk with fireballs
My mobile decided its time for my fingers
to escort it with a tap
I quickly had a vision, I know who is calling
Its 4 in the morning sharp,
I held my phone while dinging, its him
I jumped not knowing was I happy or in a mess
I held my heart night after night
not asking for any help
I am in my bed, not texting the boy who broke me
Who sends dings to my phone
every 4 in the morning sharp,
I am just laying,
I even forget what its like to move my senses
out of my wide skull open
I lay until his name is just a name 

on my broken screen
I must be strong, especially when its pass 3 am
Its 4 in the morning and my scars
shows in my skin like a tattoo
reminding me with his silly excuses
" I am not ready" he says
" I am not for you" he says
See, I am strong without alcohol diving in
I play with my own ego
I play Russian roulette with the little dignity that I have left
Its 4 in the morning
and my phone is dinging
for the sound of his abuse covering my mouth
for the memories that are burning
Its 4 in the morning
and I am trying to be strong