Only seven-teen

I was only 17 and I was fit, strong—you name it.

Until I had my first exposure to panic attacks

I remember allowing myself to give up.

Do not blame me. It was too strong.

I couldn't even think about it.

It made me see the light.

that made my heart blind.

Made my sight go deaf,

until I knew I was alive.

Shocking news,

It was only an anxiety attack.

Who knew they both had the same signs?

This was my first experience with anxiety.

Ever since it got my full attention

We became friends.

Years later,

I diagnosed myself with depression.

I remember saying this.

“Anxiety and depression often go together.”

at least, thats what I read in books,

and ever since, we both became soulmates.

Me, and anxiety and depression 3 in one

I was 20.

when I lost my ability to feel.

I clearly overdosed.

I have an incredible amount of emotion.

I could not let myself starve from it.

Anxiety made me feel restless.

Shortness of breath, insomnia,

I can go on and on about it.

To be honest,

instead of battling and fighting like everyone else.

I embraced it. I let it in.

Like we are one, which we are

I was 23.

when I lost everything.

That lived inside of me, and

For me, that was more than okay to digest.

I am grateful.

I have two things.

That never left my side.

Hold that thought.

Call me crazy. Perhaps I am.

Who knows?

I was 24.

when I finally

I knew who I was.

Another depressive episode

Who is hopeless?

Who has colors?

painted on my skin

Red, purple, and blue

I am a piece of dark poetry.

Where do I leap in the day?

So slowly,

My heart would wonder.

If my insides are like dying flowers

or a living, ticking emotional bomb

Which I am,

A tasteless echo

that strikes down.

I am 25 now.

Independent,

outgoing, creative

Lovely, strong, and smart

I have a beautiful body and amazing skin.

I am powerful—my own voice.

I am 25.

Meaningless,

Out of control

I can’t relax.

Messy,

Not enough

bruised

senseless

Weird and anxious

just by existing

I am nothing.

That doesn't scare me.

What scares me is living without it.

Anxiety and depression are mine.

...........................................................................................

Written by Sally Bani Hani

Painted by @Rash_art on Instagram

مرحبا هذه أنا مجددا

 مرحبا هذه أنا مجددا

آسفة لإتصالي بك
فأنت لم تجب على رسائلي ايضا
هل انت بخير؟
أنا فقط أتمنى أن تكون بخير
فقط لاغير
هل أنت بخير ؟

رأيتك عبر الشارع ذلك اليوم
و لم اكف عن النظر
هل رأيتني؟ لماذا لم تلوح ؟
هل مازلت غاضبا مني ؟
آسفة

مرحبا هذا أنا مجددا
لقد أرسلت لك العديد من الرسائل الإلكترونية
اشتقت إليك كثير
لقد زرت منزلك ذلك اليوم
وهو يفتقدك أيضا

"مرحبا هذا أنا مجددا
اليوم كان حفل تخرجنا
الجامعة كانت رائعة لدرجة
انهم نادوا باسمك و
وضعوا صورتك و انا بدأت في البحث عنك

مرحبا هذا أنا مجددا
أعلم أنك مشغول
فأنت لم ترد على رسائلي بعد
هل المكان مزدحم هناك ؟
هل أنت بخير؟
هل تحتاج إلى أي مساعدة
أنت تعرف أنني هنا لأجلك

مرحبا هذا أنا مجددا
اليوم هو عيد ميلادك
أحضرت لك الزهور الأرجوانية التي تحبها

مرحبا ، هذا أنا مجددا
قررت عدم فصل هاتفك
ربما تريد استعادته
لذا ، هو هنا إذا تريده

مرحبا هذا أنا مجددا
أنا أتصل بك لأخبرك
أنني سأغادر البلاد الآن
قد لا يكون لدي هاتف خلوي لأزعجك مجددا
لكنني سأفتتقدك
سأفتقد كل مرة كنت أهاتفك
و اسمع صوتك عندما تقول
مرحبا.. انا لست هنا
اترك لي رسالة

مرحبا هذا أنا مجددا
الرحلة على وشك الإقلاع
آمل أن أتمكن من الاتصال بالرقم مجددا

أتمنى أن تظل تنظر إلي
تراقبني وتعتني بي من الأعلى
افتقدتك كثيرا

2018 Conversation/ Penguins dont cry

 * I love you.

- Wait, What do you mean? * I love you. - Do you mean, that you are going to handle me? - I don't understand! - I am only flaws

* You are beautiful.

- I am not pretty

- I am always angry and impulsive.

- I am a fool and, difficult to understand.

- I mean, I can barely control myself. - I have a chronic headache, and depression, all of which destroy my days and make me want to hate you even if I don't.

- I am not outgoing and dislike crowds. - I also tend to get jealous easily and frequently argue with the people I care about. - Trust me when I say that I will make it difficult for you to breathe.

- I cry a lot and on silly things sometimes.

- I need someone who can try with me once, twice, and 10 times without becoming bored because I take a long time to deal with problems. * Why are you crying sweet cakes?

- People mistake me for an extrovert, yet I am an introvert who feels alone and abandoned. - If you can, don't let me down.

* Are you done?

- yes, you are leaving arent you?

* Yes, we are going.

- On your own?

* Together

My essence

 My spirit refuses to be loved.

I'd had enough by the time it became dark.

As a long distance lover,
Like a childhood
traumatic event,
Instead, I'd like to be
loved tonight.
As if we were a song.
On the airwaves
The bittersweet flavor
like a tattoo on your arm.
On a broken sadness bottle
that fell to the ground,

My spirit refuses
to be loved.
I had had enough
of going around
in circles when the night
is young.
Instead,
I'd like to be loved tonight.
Like the tales you spin,
Before going to bed,
the warriors
Before being kissed,
like the lips,
Tonight,
I command love with
touching melodies.

I command love, 
limit less
The colourful metaphors
the misfits 
I demand talks,
not physically, 
I command beauty
selfless 
I command love
With no tears
without any fears
I ask for freedom
The canto's
For poetry,
insanity,
I command love

Who am I? 30 edition

I was only 17, I was fit and strong
you name it.
Until I had my first exposure 
with panic attack,
I remember allowing myself to give up 
Don't blame me,
it was too strong that I took it in
It made me see the light,
that made my heart go blind
my sight go deaf,
till I knew I was alive! Shocking news
It was only an anxiety attack.
I mean who knew?
Both have the same signs

Ever since it got my full attention 
we became friends, and yet even my close friends
never contested the times when I expectedly
excuse myself in the bathroom
for at least 5 minutes
until my anxiety strikes calmed down.
No one ever knew sadly, 
Anxiety made me feel like I had
no one left to count on,
except for the faceless,
black pit inside of me.
And for some reason,
I embraced it.
I let it take over me.
Sometimes
I even feel relieved
that I have a companion. 
Years later,
I diagnosed myself with depression
I remember saying
"Anxiety and depression often go together”
Ever since we became soulmates 
Me, anxiety and depression 3 in 1
For a while depression grew old in me, 
I let it control me.
Despondency never judged me. 
Desolation never forgot about me
like the others did.
Depression knew the real me. 

I was 20,
when I lost my ability to feel
I clearly overdose it
I even started my childhood habit, 
shivering, nails biting and more 
I have an incredible large of emotions
I could not let myself starve from it
Anxiety made me feel restlessness
shortness of breath, insomnia,
I can go on and on about it
To be honest
instead of battling and fighting
like everyone else
I embraced it, I let it in
Like we are one, which we are

I was 23, 

when I lost everything
that ever lived in me,
and for me
that was more than okay to digest
I am grateful,
I have two things
that never left my side
hold that thought
call me crazy, 
Perhaps, I am
who knows?

I was 24,
when I finally
Knew who I was
Another depressive episode
who is hopeless,
who suffers from mental illness
who have colours painted in my skin
Red, purple and blue
I am a piece of dim poetry
Where I leap in the days
So slowly, my heart would wonder
if my insides are like dying flowers
or a living ticking emotional bomb
Which I am,
I am a tasteless echo
that strikes down

I am 25 now,
Independent, outgoing, creative
Lovely, strong and smart
I have a beautiful body, amazing skin
I have a high IQ,
I am doing such a great work
I am powerful, my own voice
I am my own hero
I achieved and reached, I
 worked hard
and ready to go on process

I am 30 now,
meaningless,
Out of control
I can’t relax,
Messy,
not enough
bruised
senseless
weird
anxious
just by existing
I am
nothing.
that doesn't scare me,
what scares me
is living.

I am a crowded place 
Alone with my aches
The unwanted piece 
The last punch of the abuse 
The 3 am quotes, 
The one who weep poetry 
I am agonize!
Mentally gone with the wind 
I am a broken window

Attractive but destructive on valentine day,

I am a gunshot, shooting my individuality,

I am a piece of awkward sadness,

I am that last sip of tea,

The ending of love, heart gripping poetry

Last of everything and Last of myself,

I am so broken,

yet so beautiful in my brokenness,

I am me

I suffer from anxiety, yet I am a strong woman!

 Anxiety is a constant battle for me.
It does not imply that I am incapable.
There are days
when I can't get out of bed,
but I force myself to.
When my body chooses not to listen
to the voice inside of me,
I proclaim myself to be deaf.

The best thing about having anxiety
It's when people assume
That I am shaking at parties.
But all I'm doing is shivering.

I have anxiety and I am good with it.
Simple things might easily distract me,
such as how people stare at me
when I stutter or how I get bullied,
but I refuse to let it rule me.
Instead,
I command myself to be more positive,
as if I were a very motivated person,
which I am not!

I suffer from anxiety,
but I manage it
by pushing myself out
of my comfort zone on occasion.
To be on the verge of something
I'm on the verge of glory,
yet I'm still striving.

To be honest,
I am really smitten by my setbacks.
It's the only thing that keeps me on track.
I have anxiety, and I adore it!
(sarcastically speaking)
Lead me to the light!
It's the only thing keeping me alive.

You broke me

You shattered me like a stranger.
You broke me, 
as if I were your enemy, 
and even haters
don't deserve to be 
abandoned like that.

I loved you in the pouring rain,
but you broke me,
like all we had and everything 
was just a fantasy.

You left me with blue scars,
muddled colors, and nothingness.
All of my faith faded away.

You broke me,
and I have no idea now
how to mend myself?

Too many sleep nights
Yet I feel so numb
You made me grew my flaws
with anger with your distant destination.