Only seven-teen

I was only 17 and I was fit, strong—you name it.

Until I had my first exposure to panic attacks

I remember allowing myself to give up.

Do not blame me. It was too strong.

I couldn't even think about it.

It made me see the light.

that made my heart blind.

Made my sight go deaf,

until I knew I was alive.

Shocking news,

It was only an anxiety attack.

Who knew they both had the same signs?

This was my first experience with anxiety.

Ever since it got my full attention

We became friends.

Years later,

I diagnosed myself with depression.

I remember saying this.

“Anxiety and depression often go together.”

at least, thats what I read in books,

and ever since, we both became soulmates.

Me, and anxiety and depression 3 in one

I was 20.

when I lost my ability to feel.

I clearly overdosed.

I have an incredible amount of emotion.

I could not let myself starve from it.

Anxiety made me feel restless.

Shortness of breath, insomnia,

I can go on and on about it.

To be honest,

instead of battling and fighting like everyone else.

I embraced it. I let it in.

Like we are one, which we are

I was 23.

when I lost everything.

That lived inside of me, and

For me, that was more than okay to digest.

I am grateful.

I have two things.

That never left my side.

Hold that thought.

Call me crazy. Perhaps I am.

Who knows?

I was 24.

when I finally

I knew who I was.

Another depressive episode

Who is hopeless?

Who has colors?

painted on my skin

Red, purple, and blue

I am a piece of dark poetry.

Where do I leap in the day?

So slowly,

My heart would wonder.

If my insides are like dying flowers

or a living, ticking emotional bomb

Which I am,

A tasteless echo

that strikes down.

I am 25 now.

Independent,

outgoing, creative

Lovely, strong, and smart

I have a beautiful body and amazing skin.

I am powerful—my own voice.

I am 25.

Meaningless,

Out of control

I can’t relax.

Messy,

Not enough

bruised

senseless

Weird and anxious

just by existing

I am nothing.

That doesn't scare me.

What scares me is living without it.

Anxiety and depression are mine.

...........................................................................................

Written by Sally Bani Hani

Painted by @Rash_art on Instagram